So, my grandmother asks me what time I will be getting up in the morning. I tell her I am going to get up at 5:45 am and workout. And her jaw falls so far I could see her tonsils! Gma! What the hell?! I know I have gotten lazy compared to this time last year but damnnnn....
So, then I get a text from Rene about how tomorrow is the one year anniversary of his move to Dallas.
Which got me thinking about last year, for both him and I as one year ago we were in similar situations starting the same position for that bastard company which shall not be named. We went through the same insane training and bullshit.
And at that time I got up and took Journey on a morning jog in the neighborhood, took a shower, and went to work. At 7:30!
I was so positive, I had come back from Greece unhappy that I was back in a way defeated but in another way still feeling all that love that had take over my heart and mind. Residual effects from the whole situation. And a fairy tale it was not. Being in Greece was hard, very very hard! The only light in my life was Miltos and the light he gave me reflected and maybe seemed to shine onto other parts of my life. But really he was the fuel to my fire. And this time last year, I guess, in a way, I hadn't let go of the notion of us being together at some point in the future, around the corner.
And now, all that has worn so thin. In no part to the fault or fumble of my love in Greece. But I am walking in quicksand here. Feeling farther and farther away from the fantasy that I held onto while being in his light.
And I am so lonely. And unhappy. And angry.
I keep blaming it on being broke as a joke...but that isn't it. I've been broke for years!!! I had very small windows of time in my post college life where I have not being completely broke. I smile with pride at those times. It's true I am proud of myself and definietly don't have regrets in the choices I have made. So that's good.
So, getting back to the point, it ain't about being broke. My father looks at me in conversation and I can hear his inner thoughts. He pities me, thinks living here is hell and that I am lying to myself about being able to be happy here.
Jenna invited me to Utopia, TX this past weekend. While there, in between the complete chaos of travel and drunkenness and as always the persistent annoyingness of being around Jenna and Wes as they are infatuated with each other, I had some very surreal grounding moments. Saturday morning seemed to be lazy for the others but I had taken my bike so I rode around town and then to the dam and went swimming in my shorts and tank top. She knows I am at home in the river, any river down there. I don't think many people know that about me unless they have seen it, see what happens to me. It's a religious experience for me. So, I am lying there free and drifting watching the tops of the trees.
And for the first time, I thought, maybe my father is right. Maybe I am unhappy up here.
But my question is, how much of it is geography and how much is the changing circumstances?
How much of it is my new career? How much of it is love lost?
So yeah, I am tired of being tired/sad/helpless/lonely and I am going to get up at dawn and move my body.
And maybe I can start figuring some shit out.
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