The fall has found me with a decent looking, if not pretty nice looking, garden that I don't have any time to maintain and commuting (at least so far) down to Hillsboro TX 4 days a week. It's about 125 mile round trip through the last suburbs of South Dallas through rolling farmland. The most exciting part of the drive is that (so far) I've been borrowing my Grandmother's Impala and it can go pretty fast and slick. I don't throw caution to the wind completely but I enjoy putting the petal to the metal. Also, there is a place I've passed a billion times through my life and have never stopped to figure out what it is. It looks to be a house along the interstate with massive peices of "artwork" out in the yard on display. For ages it has been an Indian Head made with hundreds of peices of small wood to give it dimension. Now they have 3 frogs out. 2 of which look to be in a drunken dance with each other, not even slightly aware of the rest of the world.
Other than that, "they" (being the man, the managers, or whatever you want to call the local Wal-Mart overlords) have put my insurance kiosk in the most obscure and pathetic place in the store. The only silver lining being that I am near outlets and have the technology to thwart the internet from my smartphone to my computer, thereby allowing me the escape of the internet to pass the time.
The world is quite literally passing me by. In Wal-Mart the people pass, most of whom avoid eye contact with me like I will steal their soul. And everything else. While I am in this purgatory waiting to make money. Hoping with my entire being that this time will pay off, sitting all these months working without pay and holding out hope for the future other people's lives around me continue to develop. People fall in love, obtain their careers, get married, have children, grow their families. They invest in their future.
And I invest in my hopes for a future. But it mostly has felt like being stuck in quicksand. There is no solid evidence that this time is being well spent. I use up so much of my energy and life force keeping myself positive and hopeful that it is so exhausting to then have to convince those close to me that this plight is worth it. I justify to you what I can barely justify to myself. It's very hard.
I don't mean to sound so melancholy but it's part of life, and often times it is what drives me to write/type/blog and lament.
One day I want to have stability and a beautiful little face to constantly remind me how precious life is as the little one discovers every new thing day after day. I'm ready for certain things in my life. But I just have to be patient, ever patient. I am reminded of patience everyday as I drive down to this town and back home everyday telling myself it was worth the gas money. It was worth the time. Everything is coming together, you just can't see it yet.
Other than that, "they" (being the man, the managers, or whatever you want to call the local Wal-Mart overlords) have put my insurance kiosk in the most obscure and pathetic place in the store. The only silver lining being that I am near outlets and have the technology to thwart the internet from my smartphone to my computer, thereby allowing me the escape of the internet to pass the time.
The world is quite literally passing me by. In Wal-Mart the people pass, most of whom avoid eye contact with me like I will steal their soul. And everything else. While I am in this purgatory waiting to make money. Hoping with my entire being that this time will pay off, sitting all these months working without pay and holding out hope for the future other people's lives around me continue to develop. People fall in love, obtain their careers, get married, have children, grow their families. They invest in their future.
And I invest in my hopes for a future. But it mostly has felt like being stuck in quicksand. There is no solid evidence that this time is being well spent. I use up so much of my energy and life force keeping myself positive and hopeful that it is so exhausting to then have to convince those close to me that this plight is worth it. I justify to you what I can barely justify to myself. It's very hard.
I don't mean to sound so melancholy but it's part of life, and often times it is what drives me to write/type/blog and lament.
One day I want to have stability and a beautiful little face to constantly remind me how precious life is as the little one discovers every new thing day after day. I'm ready for certain things in my life. But I just have to be patient, ever patient. I am reminded of patience everyday as I drive down to this town and back home everyday telling myself it was worth the gas money. It was worth the time. Everything is coming together, you just can't see it yet.
