Advice for Bleach Bathing (9 Steps to a Successful Bleach Body!)

 

1. Take a deep breath. It is important you do this before the bleach gets opened. Open your mind, as this is your life now. Start off with thinking of this as a fun and relaxing bubble bath. Your skin and nerves will be soothed! Recommended is a bleach with a scent, I prefer lavender.

2. Make sure there are no important clothing or towels or bath mats you don't mind being exposed to bleach. (You know, because this shit will forever alter its color but it supposedly great medicine for your delicate skin.)

3. Mix the proper ratio of bleach to tub. DO NOT overdo it on the bleach. Also, don't make the water too hot.

 

4. After the bath make sure to rinse as if you are a HAZMAT danger zone. Get all of that stuff off!!!

5. Rinse again. Just do it. Do it with less fervor than above but with a healthy amount of gusto.

6. Do not towel dry. Simply pat your skin. It should remain DAMP.

7. Immediately (meaning less than 30 seconds after patting dry) apply moisturizing cream. NO-- not lotion. Get that out of your mind completely. It's gotta be CREAM and it has to be put on thick while the skin is damp. I recommend CeraVe moisturizing cream. Don't fall victim to marketing promises of special mixtures of oils and scents. That part of your life it over. Keep it simple and dermatologist recommended.

8. After completing this routine a handful or so of times you might notice it's becoming time consuming and wasting a lot of water. Congratulations, you have graduated into spray bottles!!!! You may now wet skin, spray bleach, complete super rinse, etc...

This should save you a lot of time. 

9. Try not to think of yourself as a sink or a bathtub. True, you might feel like you are cleansing yourself from potions you keep under the counter but re frame your thinking. You're a beautiful "bleach body", a special kind of human with a special epidermis.

P.S. IMPORTANT-- Don't use soap. Never use soap. I said, never ever use soap!!! This is a different world. A soapless world. OK on second thought, be a Johnny Rebel, use some soap. Do this that way you will see why you never have to do it again. 

If, for some reason, you can use soap and it not keep you awake at night scratching your soul to the surface of your skin then by all means, use the damn soap. But keep it mind you are a "wannabe" You want to have a special epidermis. But you aren't...."You aren't a "bleach body." If you can use soap AND bleach you don't need the bleach. You don't need it. Go back to your normal life!

(Yes, this is under the direction of a dermatologist)