Cops and Carrots

Who is useless? That's right- it's ME!

If I don't get a job soon I am going to empty the garbage underneath the bed and crawl under it and start digging a tunnel to China.

Being unemployed for this long is like walking around the neighborhood, leash in hand, with no dog attached at the end.

I try and stay busy as I can. I've started with the Somali family which definitely has its ups and downs. Currently I am extreeeeeemly frustrated (not with them). I can't teach unless there is a goal, unless I can explain what the fucking lesson is, and what I want them to do. If I can't tell them what I am trying to teach them I come off as a bumbling idiot and they get confused. And them getting confused makes them frustrated because they want to understand. What they need are formal classes. They need more than I can give, and that is why I am frustrated. Not to mention spending time in bookstores lately looking for educational books that don't have a bunch of chubby white people in there learning words associated with American culture that the Somalii's won't even come close to understanding yet until they know more about the country. What they need is fucking PBS yo but apparently something about TVs don't work anymore because you need a digital converter or some nonsense.

I didn't go to the Ironwood last Wednesday b/c of this lame ass mock disaster drill at the airport here. It could've been really awesome and a great learning experience but the public safety folks (firefighters, EMTs, police, hazmat, etc.) didn't take it seriously AT ALL and it was a waste of time and taxpayers money. It really ticked us students (who played the victims) off because we thought it was going to be a real scenario (which is was set up to be) but one fat lady cop came over to an unconscious guy (20 minutes after the incident) and said "Hey, so, like, are you supposed to be dead?" ...and he didn't  respond (hello, he's unconscious!) and she says to her partner "Hey this one is dead so I guess that's less work for us." WHAT a JOKE! I sort of wanted to if that bitch knew anything about weapons retention or anything police oriented at all but I didn't want to get it trouble. Oh the satisfaction if I'd been able to take her sidearm out of her holster though.

Tangent: Police. I've never been intimidated by them. I don't know why that is. Maybe my parents didn't teach me a lot about fearing authority but I always used to argue with them which embarassed my mother but entertained my father. I remember we tried to bike into an air show in the early 90s and the cops wouldn't let us go past the fence. So then we started to lock our bikes to the fence and they told us we couldn't do that. So then we asked where we could and they didn't know. (Keep in mind this is at an airfield so the nearest trees, poles, etc. were pretty far away) so then I asked them what they would do (I was genuinely curious) if we went ahead and rode our bikes in anyway, past them. It wasn't all obnoxious "oh yeah well what are you going to do about it?" at least not in my mind. I just wanted to know. I just never understood why people revere/fear cops so much. ANYWAY, they told us they would catch us. This is what makes the whole thing memorable to my kid brain. I was thinking how were they going to catch us if we were on bicycles and they were on foot. They must have seen the thought because they pointed behind them to a nearby hanger and there were 2 police bicycles there leaned against the siding. I thought it was so funny I started having one of those hysterical freakish kid laughing attacks. The police did not find it funny. My Dad, at this point, is making one of his jokes no one gets "Ohhhh, OK, so that's where the bikes are kept. Well, c'mon kid let's roll over there and put the bikes away." At some point in the course of this, they informed us that they were going to have to escort us out and not allow us to watch the Air Show. This has stuck with me. I was 8 years old. ReaLLy?

Anyway, I hate seeing lazy cops. Nothing makes me angrier than a cop who lacks self respect and integrity. Last night, at Barrio Viejo festival I noticed a pair, the woman was fit and observant, the man was AT LEAST 100 lb's overweight/obese. Sorry but if you're plan for apprehension is "to sit on a fool" you must realize you have to in fact catch that fool first. I was at the Festival alone so I was in my entertain myself mode which involves a lot of people watching. For a while last night it was cop watching. It was comical. Hey, here is a recipe for a real disaster, a large number of people and a fat cop with his hands on his hips oblivious to anything but watching small children eating ice cream cones. My entertainment came in the form of as walking past the cops, pointing out to Fatty that his keepers were unsnapped and when he looked down I said "HA! Made you look!" It was priceless. I didn't stick around for the negative reaction to come across his face, just long enough for that initial dumbfounded look.

Tangent over. _   _   _   _   _

I did go on a really enjoyable hike last Sunday up to some waterfalls. I packed a picnic lunch to eat when I got there. I offered a cutie named Ethan one of my carrots but he declined. Who hikes that far and declines a carrot is what I want to know?! Anyway, he went on top of the falls and I took a couple pictures of him and told him I would email him. He sort of implied it'd be cool if I hiked back down with him but I was like no thanks which I think he took to mean no thanks not with you. Which is unfortunate because really I just don't like hiking with strangers all that much AND I was waiting to be the last one to leave for 2 reasons: I wanted to sing on the way down, and I wanted it to be in the sunset. I got my wish and it was SOOOO worth it. I saw this hawk riding a thermal and he was just suspended motionless at one point not moving forward or backward, up or down, just about the mountain line. It was so cool looking. The saguaros and cacti are mostly washed out with an abundance of sunlight during the day but at sunset color bursts through the plants like a glow, and it's beautiful. The wildlife comes out...coyotes, javelinas, birds, bats, deer.

What can one say when one's boyfriend starts dating another woman. Oh fuck. There I go calling him my boyfriend again. I swear! Could I make it all go away by undergoing hypnosis?

Today I hiked up Picacho Peak yo and it was super fun. Lots of cables and weird positioning to get up there. OH YEAH and what the hell is up with people declining a carrot?! This is the second time it's happened. Am I the only one that finds carrots extremely comforting on a hike?!

I have been texting this guy Zach, trying to figure out if I like him or not. It's hard to tell. I think I should take a risk and invest myself a little..possibly next weekend? I thought he might come meet me at the Barrio last night but he had just rode his bike 50 miles (that's right) up Mt. Lemmon b/c he is training for an upcoming trip. Apparently today he ran this crazy race. He exhausts me just hearing about it.

I have a huge test on Tuesday. Tomorrow is Monday. Guess that means I should start studying?! ;)

Today's photo on top of Picacho Pk

Little Bee

If you haven't read it, you should. I have to mail the book back to the lady who leant it to me in Cali so I looked through the pages to see the quotes I dog-eared.

"In your country, if you are not scared enough already, you can go to watch a horror film. Afterward you can go out of the cinema and into the night and for a little while there is horror in everything. Perhaps there are murderers lying in wait for you at home. You can think this because there is a light on in your house that you are certain you did not leave on. And when you remove your makeup in the mirror last thing, you see a strange look in your own eyes. It is not you. For one hour you are haunted, and you do not trust anybody, and then the feeling fades away. Horror in your country is something you take a dose of to remind yourself you are not suffering from it."
 -Little Bee by Chris Cleave

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Anyway, life has been rough. Spring Break flu, so I lied around feeling sorry for myself for days on end. Then now that I am better there still is absolutely nothing to do. I applied for a bunch of jobs, talked to people, had pathetic results leaving me feel even more irrelevant and useless.

My massage class was nice as usual. Mike taught me how to change my own brakes. That was really super awesome and fun. I'll never pay for someone to do my brakes again!

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I went to hear a Tibetan monk and that was a pleasant reminder of some very basic epitaphs for living a better life. I have been texting a man from the internet and I figured I might as well meet him even though I'm really exhausted from that whole game right now. I guess the lonlieness outweighs my anxiety and disdain for online dating. Luckily Mike and Janka came to the bar with me and helped ease my nervousness. Janka talked about aliens and it made me very happy. She was utterly serious.

I think it's possible I miss Wes more than I allow myself to realize sometimes. And then in moments of weakness the thought of us is overwhelming. I can't get all the details out of my head. How he would react, what he would say, how he moves, his laugh, his smell, his general disposition which I'm realizing more and more as I meet other people just how similar it is to mine. I feel like I don't belong, don't fit in anywhere. Friends are impossible to make, avenues for making friends even harder to find. I wish I could fall into another guy. It used to seem so easy. I never had any trouble before. I went from Seth to Dustin to Wes and I was in love for some amount of time with each. Especially Dustin. I hate admitting it but it was true. We had an intensity that can only come from youth. I wish I could meet someone like him right now, someone that could captivate me like that. Of course much of us was not really love per se. And then Wes has fucked me up something considerable. I'm so jaded. I was like in a waiting room sitting there waiting the whole time I was with him and now that we are supposedly broken up I don't feel much different. I still feel like I'm waiting on him somehow.

Ugh, word vomit. It just happens sometimes. I don't know. I just wish I felt like something was happening. The whole world is spinning and everyone is moving around moving forward and I am aimless and bored and disappointed in what my life is.

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From what I gather of the talk, one part of Bon philosophy says to incorporate the poisonous things and ingest them. Do not separate yourself from that which troubles you. A person cannot segregate their experiences. We take in the bad, but mix it with good so as so counteract the energy of the negative, therefore diluting it. Like if herb A is toxic but B and so forth are good. Mix A with it and it will counterbalance the toxicity. I feel like I've always lived that way though. I've always been in touch with myself and my feelings even when they are shit I've always known that they are an integral part of me. I guess I just thought like Good Times Are Coming. One day it wouldn't be so hard, one day I would find my fit somehow. With a job or a community or a family. Something.

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Spring Broke

I swear some of the weirdest stuff happens in this house! No further comment.
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ANYway, so I LOVE my massage class. It's really informal and quaint. I was nervous when I first started because I wasn't going with a partner but it ended being cool. I was assigned, and since have always been with, a man named Mark who is very kind and a great massager. Masseuse?

Mark is older, I'm not sure how old but let's just say, um, older. Anyway, he has a very warm energy and always gives me extra special treatment. He's not creepy either. He is distinctly not creepy. Yet I can sense his attraction to me. I won't lie and say I haven't subtly encouraged it. I mean it's fun you know. Whatever. Anyway he kissed me twice last night. On the cheek! It was very sweet and made sense in the moment. He wouldn't do anything inappropriate or anything.

Point is, I've been advised to consider, just consider, actually going out with him and exploring the possibilites of being with an actual, non creepy, sweet, respectful, chivalrous man. I'm not interested in making any decisions on it anytime soon. But I did enjoy being kissed on the cheek :)

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I finally went to the doctor today. It. Was. Awesome!
I go so long w/o insurance or doctors. This was badass! She seemed very attentive. She looked like that Felicity woman. Anyway, I'm excited to get to go back and get my ladies health done. There ain't no telling. I could have a lemon tree growing up there for all I know as long as it's been since I've been seen. Being in possession of a vagina is like owning a miniature cave. I mean it's not like I can really go up in there. So, I don't know what's going on. I like to think it's like a party up there. I also like to think of my vagina as being top shelf quality. I want all the party goers to be satisfied.

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It's Spring Break. I'm a little disappointed that I have negative money, owe the IRS, have no job prospects, no boy toy, my car brakes are failing, I have no plans, I can't afford plans, and I have nothing to do except lounge in the sun and exercise. This was all well and good when I was in dire need of a respite and good theraputic time. But no, I just feel like a BUM! And I miss my puppy dog. I even miss Wes. I wish Seth could've come to visit but his Spring Break was a week offset from mine. Lame!

Maybe I will finish my Yellowstone scrapbook. That sounds so sad to me. Here I am, all ready to be social and fun, and I don't got no peoples. Where the fuck is be my peoples?! Ima put an ad out.

Desperately Seeking Peoples:

Must be open minded, tolerant of others, positive attitude overall but able to embrace the ebb and flow of life's complications.

Must enjoy music, mountains, adventures.

Pluses are enjoying doing activites like bike rides, hikes, movies, etc.

If children are had, must have a good attitude and be raising them to be healthy, well rounded creatures of the future. Must have a distinct personality separate from just being a mommy. You're still an individual, lest you need to be reminded I can do that. If you can't bob yo neck to some Warren G you got some issues and need not apply.

If children are not had, must still smile and make faces at babies.

The End.

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I'm thinking...

I have not felt like this blog the past little while because I didn't know where to start. I wish I could just vomit out my experience at the Hospital doing clinicals the other day. I just wish to upchuck the whole thing and be done with it. Instead I had to emotionally digest it, and it was a bitch! Alls I will say about it is that I tip my hat to everyone working in the medical field.

This guy Dan is a major douchebag, by the way, also, and so forth. It wouldn't be as bad if he wasn't so clueless. I've decided that is the worst part. Is that I can't get justice on his arrogant bastard soul because he's so clueless he's impenetrable.

There's more fishes in the sea though right? Apparently all the ones I like are almost 40 though! Holy cow batman! We'll see. I'm not going to lie, it's not their age that bothers me. It's me being intimidated by comparison. And before you think "But you're awesome Rayna!" yeah yeah, BUT these guys, the ones I like, they sell themselves like being UBER AWESOME.

Yeah, it's true, it's from profiles from a dating website. So, corn and cheese as it may be, it's 2011 fools and when you want to sweep you need a broom! The internet it supposedly where it's at yo. I mean, seriously, after the creeps I have had, can it really get much worse?!

Anyway, today I mailed my grandmothers some crystal hangies that I fashioned. Mike made me this cool  purple amethyst necklace. I found out I officially owe the IRS over 800 bucks in back taxes, ohhh yeah.

It's ups and downs lately. I could use a boost. I'm thinking..orgasm?...hmm maybe just a job. I'd take that. I called the manager at Whole Foods and tried not to sound too desperate.

I need another outlet. Another mode of expression. I got my glow lights and am enjoying them but something is missing. I'm thinking...orgasm?... just kidding.

Oh Yoko

"what's a mind? 
no matter.
what's matter?
nevermind!"
-Golden Wade, an old friend :)








I had an absolutely crappy day but somehow right as I was about to feel sorry for myself Tasha started chatting with me and rather than mourn over my pint of ice cream we reminisced. *Smile


Also, award shows make me uncomfortable. They are so awkward. I'm sorry but Nicole Kidman is an over Botoxed scary Stepford wife. Someone unplug her and recycle her with the rest of the antiquated first generation robots. Also, I love Natalie Portman but her emotionally charged, pregnancy induced weepy acceptance speech made me want to throw the remote at the TV. I do like Sandra Bullock though, she is graceful, classy, and funny. Also, I think the King's Speech and The Social Network were the only movies on there that I actually saw. I like Colin Firth's humor. I happened to catch him on the other award show a few months ago where people were trying to be funny. He was funny then too. I like it when people actually articulate their thoughts even when it's hard. you go awkward Englishman!




----Flip!----
*Carpooling is nice, sweet gas relief, if she ends up talking to me about Jesus than that is A-OK with me!
*Oh Yoko, Ohhh Yoko by the Beatles is so pleasant! Ohhh Yoko
*I am so broke! I've applied to a few places. I am holding out for Whole Foods hoping they take me in, just a poor little college educated girl from the streets.
*my boobs are shrinking. It's true, I guess that goes along with fitness. But I liked them, they were the perfect size. It's OK though, so as long as my ass stays shrinking too! :)
*This is fluff but for reals I made an awesome sandwhich today. It had leftover chicken, provolone, lettuce/tomato, and guacamole! YUMMMMM
*I am so happy (except when I am not) but I want to share time with my peoples. I miss you guys. Tears :(
*Yeah, embarassing. I totally forgot to cash out my tab the other night at Sky Bar (alcoholic! LOL) and had to do the call of shame. 


XXXXXXXXcrossed fingersXXXXXXXXXXXX
I gotta gotta gotta get a PT job. Pleazzzzzz hire me! I am so awesome! Plezzzz!