"In your country, if you are not scared enough already, you can go to watch a horror film. Afterward you can go out of the cinema and into the night and for a little while there is horror in everything. Perhaps there are murderers lying in wait for you at home. You can think this because there is a light on in your house that you are certain you did not leave on. And when you remove your makeup in the mirror last thing, you see a strange look in your own eyes. It is not you. For one hour you are haunted, and you do not trust anybody, and then the feeling fades away. Horror in your country is something you take a dose of to remind yourself you are not suffering from it."
-Little Bee by Chris Cleave
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Anyway, life has been rough. Spring Break flu, so I lied around feeling sorry for myself for days on end. Then now that I am better there still is absolutely nothing to do. I applied for a bunch of jobs, talked to people, had pathetic results leaving me feel even more irrelevant and useless.
My massage class was nice as usual. Mike taught me how to change my own brakes. That was really super awesome and fun. I'll never pay for someone to do my brakes again!
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I went to hear a Tibetan monk and that was a pleasant reminder of some very basic epitaphs for living a better life. I have been texting a man from the internet and I figured I might as well meet him even though I'm really exhausted from that whole game right now. I guess the lonlieness outweighs my anxiety and disdain for online dating. Luckily Mike and Janka came to the bar with me and helped ease my nervousness. Janka talked about aliens and it made me very happy. She was utterly serious.
I think it's possible I miss Wes more than I allow myself to realize sometimes. And then in moments of weakness the thought of us is overwhelming. I can't get all the details out of my head. How he would react, what he would say, how he moves, his laugh, his smell, his general disposition which I'm realizing more and more as I meet other people just how similar it is to mine. I feel like I don't belong, don't fit in anywhere. Friends are impossible to make, avenues for making friends even harder to find. I wish I could fall into another guy. It used to seem so easy. I never had any trouble before. I went from Seth to Dustin to Wes and I was in love for some amount of time with each. Especially Dustin. I hate admitting it but it was true. We had an intensity that can only come from youth. I wish I could meet someone like him right now, someone that could captivate me like that. Of course much of us was not really love per se. And then Wes has fucked me up something considerable. I'm so jaded. I was like in a waiting room sitting there waiting the whole time I was with him and now that we are supposedly broken up I don't feel much different. I still feel like I'm waiting on him somehow.
Ugh, word vomit. It just happens sometimes. I don't know. I just wish I felt like something was happening. The whole world is spinning and everyone is moving around moving forward and I am aimless and bored and disappointed in what my life is.
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From what I gather of the talk, one part of Bon philosophy says to incorporate the poisonous things and ingest them. Do not separate yourself from that which troubles you. A person cannot segregate their experiences. We take in the bad, but mix it with good so as so counteract the energy of the negative, therefore diluting it. Like if herb A is toxic but B and so forth are good. Mix A with it and it will counterbalance the toxicity. I feel like I've always lived that way though. I've always been in touch with myself and my feelings even when they are shit I've always known that they are an integral part of me. I guess I just thought like Good Times Are Coming. One day it wouldn't be so hard, one day I would find my fit somehow. With a job or a community or a family. Something.
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