Yikes, I have mad crazy restless energy now. It's probably a combination of things. Wow, I typed complication instead of combination. I think this implies something too esoteric for me to analyze but probably accurate to my state of mind and this drama life I've been leading recently. It's becoming too much for me to even recall on here. Plus, the ravings of my mind apparently confuse people. Well, people that don't know me, maybe those that do just come to expect it. Either way, the point of this week is that everyone, I mean everyone, is fucked up. I find it comforting because I used to think I was so fucked up, I could never fit in, but that's not true because everyone, as I said....
I am currently operating under the assumption that Dan is either has a twin, an evil one, or that he is bipolar, or that he is totally mind fucking me for his own entertainment. Knowing him is like riding that roller coaster at Disney, Space Mountain, where it's completely dark. The highs are sudden and awesome, the lows are sharp, unpredictable and on both accounts you can't see what is ahead.
My living situation is also a little weird right now. It's not a bad weird necessarily. I just feel helpless sometimes and like I might be in the middle of things I don't, or can't understand. I also sometimes wonder if I am an imposition which is something that frightens me in all my relationship situations. I just know that feeling that I have when someone is taking advantage of my kindness or patience and I don't want to do that to anyone else.
Seth is my best bud, even though I am beyond furious with him right now. I am so angry with him I have vowed, as I have many times before, to give him the silent treatment for an extended period of time.
I went out drinking 2 nights in a row, the first one definitely being the most eventful even though the 2nd was pretty cool because I got to dirty dance with Nich and his boyfriend came this time and seemed like a much cooler person that I recall him being. It was funny, we were doing some silly stuff on the dance floor, but at one point someone stole my red leather jacket that had my stuff in the pockets and I switched on what Nich refers to as my "Cop mode" and I thought I was about to have to pull a bitches earring out in the very least. I searched that place up and down. I was eyeing everyone suspiciously. I secretly hoped someone had the audacity to be holding my jacket. Fortunately (or not, lol) somebody handed it over to Security and the night was salvaged. I love my Nich, it took someone else pointing out what a good friend he is, for me to remember that even though he frustrates me a lot (flaky hippies!) he really IS a great friend.
At Sky Bar, this man was telling me all about his ideas on playing pool. I thought at first he was trying to pick me up, but then I realized he was just a floater, just as funny/awkward and unconcerned with others opinions of himself as I was attempting to be.
Another thing I like about being in Tucson is there is so much "airy-ness" with a range of New Age platitudes, and sayings, that people seem to say really funny stuff sometimes. There is definitely a "new age scene" sure, but aside from that even the general populace I run into seems pretty open minded and interesting. I always describe myself with a foot firmly planted in both worlds. I like some reality mixed in with my trippy shit, and vice versa. Maybe it's just where my brain is right now. Anyway, the man was pretty funny and made sitting in that bar waiting for Nich's late punk ass to get there not so bad.
I missed my Poi class today, due to a scare lack of funding. Maybe I should just buy a DVD and be self taught....I don't know, I really like the social aspect of the class. I am serious about getting back into it. I'm pretty GD frustrated with Seth over his assessment of my life/financial situation right now, as if he has business to talk. I cut back MANY aspects of what I would prefer to be spending money on so that I am able to do some things and improve my quality of life. For instance, I rarely if ever pick up a bite to eat anywhere. I made my own food, pack lunches and snacks. I don't shop, except at Goodwill on a sale day once every couple months. If I go to the movies it's only on Dollar Day. And I busted my ass applying for some jobs that I got totally the cold shoulder on. That being said I am beyond broke and need to recommit myself to getting a shitty job, especially now that the IRS wants me to pay $800 for 2009 when my wages were below poverty level. Yeah, that makes sense to me???!!
Mike is having a Wellness Weekend so the house is abuzz right now and I have carved out my private little corner. I spent 2 hours studying this morning at Epic Cafe. Yeah, and I am such a big spender, I felt like I should get something so I got a 80 cent coffee. (Insert mal ojo at Seth here)
Studying is hard to do hungover but I still feel like I learned something. The overall theme of this section is: GETTING OLD SUCKS. I'm going to just plan on clocking out before I become Geriatric cause WoW. My poor grandparents, I understand what is going on in their bodies a lot more now. Gee whiz..
My eyeballs hurt but I gotta study, and apply for a job. What'll it be today? I'm thinking maybe Starbucks, there seems to be a lot of those, and supposedly that don't pay all that bad. Evil Corp here I come!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
High/Low lights
This week has been madness, chaos, miscommunication, and nauseating!
I am not even going to go into the bad parts, so I highlight the good. Today while doing my weekly volunteer with the BLM I ran into an old semi-buddy, one of the Rangers who I used to have a raging crush on. I actually asked him out when I first got back to Tucson and he declined. And by declined I mean, was unresponsive. So whatever. I am so over it. You turn ME down? Estupido! What is it, as soon as I am no longer interested now he might be? Either that or he feigns it for his own entertainment. Crazy mofo. Whatever, I am glad I got to run into him, if for nothing else he gets to see what he'll be missing out on.
Also, I went to my first Sweedish massage class which was very very interesting. It's good though, I mean, I've never spent that much time kneading a strangers gluteus before but I'm down for the education. After all, he then had to give my gluteus some attention. In my FIRM opinion, pun intended, everyone's gluteus could use some more attention!
I haven't studied AT ALL and I have a big test on Tuesday. To be fair, I have had my textbook lying open on the bed for days, only just a few inches from my head. So if it's possible that osmosis exists I might actually know at least something, prolly not tho.
The Dan issue was driving me into being a pathetic, sad woman again and I had to bust that shit up because I no longer accept that form of weakness in myself. I called and confronted him, learning that when he called me it was to invite me along but somehow I didn't give him the chance to and he felt awkward. Lame excuse but alright sure. I don't even care, I'm over it. I told him my thoughts and he seemed receptive enough, albeit super weird. Why do I go for such weirdo's?! Anyway, apparently then I fucked up. He asked me over and I told him I couldn't come. There was no good reason, I just wanted about to bounce on his beacon call like that. He texted me to come over, that he needs me to. And I ignored the text completely. Whatever, I already said I couldn't that night so why repeat myself?
Anyway, I just got off the phone with him, a day later, and it was totally bazaar. He actually started out the conversation calling me an asshole. No joke. I'm an asshole apparently for having ignored his text. Whoa. He gets to blow me off on Sunday, not contact me since then, practically ignore my texts, and I'M the ass? Yeah, I told him basically 1. I'm sorry, I don't know you that well and I didn't realize how important it was to you. 2. You aren't exactly sending me positive messages about liking me when you call me an asshole 3. (most important point) you don't want to start an argument with me because you do not know who and what you will be getting into.
Sometimes, things with Dan can be so intense I feel like we're already in a relationship. This is absolutely not cool. I'm looking for fun, meaningful fun, light hearted, happy times. Fool need to check himself 'for he wreck hisself. I'ma have to lay it down on him before this goes any further which, at this point, I will not allow. We need to reach some sort of mutual understanding. He better not be expecting no Kool Aid cause that just got went out the window for a while soon as he thought he could come to me so soon with calling me an asshole. I don't think he was in full possession of his brain at that moment.
Anyway, I wanted to go to Sky Bar with Janka tomorrow and then maybe hookah or dancing but Dan wants to go to Phoenix for a massage class. It might be fun. I don't know exactly. I'd rather not go but I'm open to it since it seems like a big deal to him. We'll see.
The point is, nothing goes ideally in this world. Nothing. So you take the good where you can find it and don't expect too much. Seth delighted me by giving me a drunk dial the other night in which he recounted his entire day and his night at the bar where he had fallen in love with his bartender. I understood about 1 out of every 5 words he said.
And I went rollerblading today which is always good. By far and wide the best fuckin news of the week is I got some glow poi! I am so elated over this development! I gots my glow poi! I gots my glow poi!
I am not even going to go into the bad parts, so I highlight the good. Today while doing my weekly volunteer with the BLM I ran into an old semi-buddy, one of the Rangers who I used to have a raging crush on. I actually asked him out when I first got back to Tucson and he declined. And by declined I mean, was unresponsive. So whatever. I am so over it. You turn ME down? Estupido! What is it, as soon as I am no longer interested now he might be? Either that or he feigns it for his own entertainment. Crazy mofo. Whatever, I am glad I got to run into him, if for nothing else he gets to see what he'll be missing out on.
Also, I went to my first Sweedish massage class which was very very interesting. It's good though, I mean, I've never spent that much time kneading a strangers gluteus before but I'm down for the education. After all, he then had to give my gluteus some attention. In my FIRM opinion, pun intended, everyone's gluteus could use some more attention!
I haven't studied AT ALL and I have a big test on Tuesday. To be fair, I have had my textbook lying open on the bed for days, only just a few inches from my head. So if it's possible that osmosis exists I might actually know at least something, prolly not tho.
The Dan issue was driving me into being a pathetic, sad woman again and I had to bust that shit up because I no longer accept that form of weakness in myself. I called and confronted him, learning that when he called me it was to invite me along but somehow I didn't give him the chance to and he felt awkward. Lame excuse but alright sure. I don't even care, I'm over it. I told him my thoughts and he seemed receptive enough, albeit super weird. Why do I go for such weirdo's?! Anyway, apparently then I fucked up. He asked me over and I told him I couldn't come. There was no good reason, I just wanted about to bounce on his beacon call like that. He texted me to come over, that he needs me to. And I ignored the text completely. Whatever, I already said I couldn't that night so why repeat myself?
Anyway, I just got off the phone with him, a day later, and it was totally bazaar. He actually started out the conversation calling me an asshole. No joke. I'm an asshole apparently for having ignored his text. Whoa. He gets to blow me off on Sunday, not contact me since then, practically ignore my texts, and I'M the ass? Yeah, I told him basically 1. I'm sorry, I don't know you that well and I didn't realize how important it was to you. 2. You aren't exactly sending me positive messages about liking me when you call me an asshole 3. (most important point) you don't want to start an argument with me because you do not know who and what you will be getting into.
Sometimes, things with Dan can be so intense I feel like we're already in a relationship. This is absolutely not cool. I'm looking for fun, meaningful fun, light hearted, happy times. Fool need to check himself 'for he wreck hisself. I'ma have to lay it down on him before this goes any further which, at this point, I will not allow. We need to reach some sort of mutual understanding. He better not be expecting no Kool Aid cause that just got went out the window for a while soon as he thought he could come to me so soon with calling me an asshole. I don't think he was in full possession of his brain at that moment.
Anyway, I wanted to go to Sky Bar with Janka tomorrow and then maybe hookah or dancing but Dan wants to go to Phoenix for a massage class. It might be fun. I don't know exactly. I'd rather not go but I'm open to it since it seems like a big deal to him. We'll see.
The point is, nothing goes ideally in this world. Nothing. So you take the good where you can find it and don't expect too much. Seth delighted me by giving me a drunk dial the other night in which he recounted his entire day and his night at the bar where he had fallen in love with his bartender. I understood about 1 out of every 5 words he said.
And I went rollerblading today which is always good. By far and wide the best fuckin news of the week is I got some glow poi! I am so elated over this development! I gots my glow poi! I gots my glow poi!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Well, I just had my first Sweedish massage class and it went well. My partner, Mark, was a nice man and not gross which was good. Cause you never know when you are about to rub down a naked stranger how that's going to go. But it was good. He gave me a good massage also.
I finally broke down and called Dan
I finally broke down and called Dan
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Father
Dear Daddy,
I have been thinking a lot lately. I always think a lot. Anyway, I feel intrinsically myself for the first time in a very, very long time. There is much I would like to share with you and much I would like to make you understand. But I have come to the realization that it isn't possible to do so. Even trying exhausts me. I hope that you are proud of me, even though there isn't much tangible to be proud of.
I have been meaning to email you but it's always intimidating because I set a lofty goal for myself. I will formulate an entire, organized, articulate email in my head while I am driving to school or in my Pilates class. When it comes time to actually type it I can't conjure up the same images. I want you to see what is in my head, if only for a moment.
Lately, I have a reoccurring image of a staircase floating in the ocean. I have been tenuously climbing this staircase for many years as it rocks with the waves and currents. Now I look down and see that I am stepping off of the staircase. I made it to the top and am leaving it behind. It floats in the ocean. A tall, awkward staircase. The waves clap against the boards.
I am the happiest I have ever been in my adult life. I still feel anxiety, doubt, waves of sadness, lonlieness, heartache, and general malaise. But I own those. It's part of me and my experience. It does not own me. It's no longer what is in control. I'm glad I have done what I have done. I was going through the motion of adventure without fully embracing all aspects of it. Now, I feel confident. I'm ready. That much I know. Ready for what? That is the question. I have no idea. Ha!
I am healthy, strong, fortunate, niave, and stubborn. No one defines me. No one will ever really know the whole of me. The best thing is to live to one's own standards. Live for yourself. Not that attachments shouldn't be made. But the present shouldn't consist of everything you need to do in order to secure your future. The present isn't the future. That future is a mirage if you approach life that way.
I don't if this is the email is intended for you. Maybe it's more for myself. Maybe I am tired of trying to communicate something definite to you, only to feel as if you do not hear me or am missing my point. I am sure you feel the same when talking to me. Perhaps, you understand more than you let on. Perhaps you feel more than you convey. Where is the outlet? Where is the stage? I feel like you look around and only see negatives. You live in an idealistic world that does not exist. I can blur the edges, a trick of my mind. I can turn my head the other way. It's harder for me than it seems to be for my peers but we adapt. I learn to adapt. I can't change the circumstances, I can only change me. I don't know how things should be, I just know how they are. Where is your place? How can you claim it's the life you lead now? How can you say that is what you have carved for yourself? If it's what you say, your dogs, house, and river trail then why when you speak it's of what lies on the other side, over the borders? The cat crap castle neighbors, the arrogant bikers that rip apart your carefully crafted trail, the corrupt police, etc..?
Do you see yourself in me? Am I braver than you? Am I doing what you wish you could? Do you see my childlike innocence.. My freckled giggles? Or do you see all the mistakes I have made. Are my stumbles what defines me in your eyes? Are you so adept at seeing the negatives that is all you see in me anymore?
Do you wish me more practical with steady, sturdy hands put to good use. Or do you see me as an artist of life..a crafter of a storyline?
Do you wish I was smarter? Do you wish I knew what I wanted. Are you waiting to think that I will? Or will you be satisfied if I spend my life trying to find it?
When you die how will I feel your presence? In what will you chose to show your soul? My mother is clever, a sweet angel disguised in the breeze or a butterfly. She is warmth caught in ray of sunshine. She is the sound of laughter on a Sunday morning. She showed me her goodness in life, and therefore it still exists even after death. Where is your goodness? Where is your light? Will I only hear your social commentary? You assessment of the failure of institutions? Why won't you give me some light, something I can hold on to?
We've become so distant now that I can't even send this to you.
Love,
Rayna
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Notorious
Been around the world and I I I
And we been playa hated [say what?]
I don't know and I don't know why
Why they want us faded [ahehe]
I don't know why they hate us [yeah]
Is it our ladies? [uh-huh]
Or our drop Mercedes [uhh, uhh]
Bay-bee bay-BEE!
So. Yeah, things clearly got out of hand the other night. I mean, OK, in my defense, I am not used to dating! Plus, I think perhaps some women date to find "the one" and I date, well, for fun. So anyway, it does suck because I reallllly like Dan but there wasn't like a pattern or anything really set-up with us. So, I am sort of vulnerable to him right now. All I want is for him to call me but..yeah...I don't know what's up. I mean Friday was amazzzing.
Mike thinks I should play it cool, be casually hot (his words) next time I see him and act like it's no big deal.
Today I went to my first Poi class and I am really happy with it. It meets only once a week so I need to try and practice between times. Anyway, then I went to Goodwill (killing time hoping Dan would call me, I was on his side of town) and I got some really sexy (not slutty!) clothes for super cheap. My favorite are the shoes I got. They are black wedges and super classic classy. So, the other night Dan said we would hang out Sunday (today) so I thought he would call me...I was getting impatient so I texted him "What are you doing?" and he called me a while later. This is (no joke) the conversation:
R: Hello
D: Hey
R: What are you doing?
D: I am getting ready to go to this thing, it's hard to explain, it's like a workshop with events and some of it is communications and I am going to volunteer and help collect funds, and it''s just, it's weird to explain...
R: Um, you don't have to explain it.
D: Well, the reason I am calling you is to see if you have a card table.
R: Uhhh, no, Mike has some TV trays but no.
D: Oh... (silence)
R: I mean, uhh, he probably has something but I don't know. I am not there right now.
D: You aren't.
R: Yeah, I am not home....
D: OK..... (silence)
R: Well, have fun!
D: (condescending laugh) Yeah OK bye
So fucking awkward. Plus, he wasn't even sweet. And he didn't even mention us hanging out or even invite me. Lame.
Whatever, I played dress up at home, made food, polished my boots, and then went bowling with Nich as his coworkers. I love my Nich. Every girl should have a sexy, fun, gay friend. Who else are they supposed to talk about penises with?! LMAO! The one bad thing of the night was, I ate french fries. GASP! I haven't eaten fries since October! I am off french fries. I don't even eat potatoes unless they are baked yams. But back to bowling. Shit was funny. My hand is still realllly weak and those balls were heavy! ..That's what she said... I dropped the ball TWICE! The silliest part was I went to throw the ball and ended up falling on top of it! Everyone thought it was highly entertaining. Shit like that used to mortify me. But it was just plain funny. I played super retarded for a while before finally explaining my hand injury.
Last night I went to Roller Derby with Janka, this Greek/Russian girl. She was cracking me up! She is all obsessed with this guy, Elliott, who is an Elvis impersonator and dresses like him on a daily basis. I met him once before and tried for her benefit not to make eyes at him even though he could be in GQ, sideburns and all..
Anyway, none of the girls got in a fight. There were some elbows, lots of booty shorts over fishnets, tattoos, and beer. It was a good time. I wouldn't mind doing that. I've always wanted to have an excuse to push some bitches around.
And we been playa hated [say what?]
I don't know and I don't know why
Why they want us faded [ahehe]
I don't know why they hate us [yeah]
Is it our ladies? [uh-huh]
Or our drop Mercedes [uhh, uhh]
Bay-bee bay-BEE!
So. Yeah, things clearly got out of hand the other night. I mean, OK, in my defense, I am not used to dating! Plus, I think perhaps some women date to find "the one" and I date, well, for fun. So anyway, it does suck because I reallllly like Dan but there wasn't like a pattern or anything really set-up with us. So, I am sort of vulnerable to him right now. All I want is for him to call me but..yeah...I don't know what's up. I mean Friday was amazzzing.
Mike thinks I should play it cool, be casually hot (his words) next time I see him and act like it's no big deal.
Today I went to my first Poi class and I am really happy with it. It meets only once a week so I need to try and practice between times. Anyway, then I went to Goodwill (killing time hoping Dan would call me, I was on his side of town) and I got some really sexy (not slutty!) clothes for super cheap. My favorite are the shoes I got. They are black wedges and super classic classy. So, the other night Dan said we would hang out Sunday (today) so I thought he would call me...I was getting impatient so I texted him "What are you doing?" and he called me a while later. This is (no joke) the conversation:
R: Hello
D: Hey
R: What are you doing?
D: I am getting ready to go to this thing, it's hard to explain, it's like a workshop with events and some of it is communications and I am going to volunteer and help collect funds, and it''s just, it's weird to explain...
R: Um, you don't have to explain it.
D: Well, the reason I am calling you is to see if you have a card table.
R: Uhhh, no, Mike has some TV trays but no.
D: Oh... (silence)
R: I mean, uhh, he probably has something but I don't know. I am not there right now.
D: You aren't.
R: Yeah, I am not home....
D: OK..... (silence)
R: Well, have fun!
D: (condescending laugh) Yeah OK bye
So fucking awkward. Plus, he wasn't even sweet. And he didn't even mention us hanging out or even invite me. Lame.
Whatever, I played dress up at home, made food, polished my boots, and then went bowling with Nich as his coworkers. I love my Nich. Every girl should have a sexy, fun, gay friend. Who else are they supposed to talk about penises with?! LMAO! The one bad thing of the night was, I ate french fries. GASP! I haven't eaten fries since October! I am off french fries. I don't even eat potatoes unless they are baked yams. But back to bowling. Shit was funny. My hand is still realllly weak and those balls were heavy! ..That's what she said... I dropped the ball TWICE! The silliest part was I went to throw the ball and ended up falling on top of it! Everyone thought it was highly entertaining. Shit like that used to mortify me. But it was just plain funny. I played super retarded for a while before finally explaining my hand injury.
Last night I went to Roller Derby with Janka, this Greek/Russian girl. She was cracking me up! She is all obsessed with this guy, Elliott, who is an Elvis impersonator and dresses like him on a daily basis. I met him once before and tried for her benefit not to make eyes at him even though he could be in GQ, sideburns and all..
Anyway, none of the girls got in a fight. There were some elbows, lots of booty shorts over fishnets, tattoos, and beer. It was a good time. I wouldn't mind doing that. I've always wanted to have an excuse to push some bitches around.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
first kisses
Is it after 3 am and I am blogging. Yes. Is it really necessary? Absolutely.
Oh. My. GOD!
Yesterday blew chunks. I won't go into that. But I was pissed because I missed going to the near death meeting that Dan was going to be at. Fine, OK, whatever. Today is a new day.
And it was amazzzing! It's Friday, a day I do not have any committments to school or volunteering (for now) and so I went rollerblading by the river. Yes, technically it is a river and there is water. Just not that much, but enough to support ducks! So, that was awesome, especially because the sky looked really cool today. And the temperature was perfect. I love wearing shorts and a T shirt and being comfortable but not sweating.
So then I went to Acupuncture which has been long overdue. I love Serena, but the other girl, Kristina, I like her as a person but she does not have the same skills, no sir, not by any stretch. Still, it was nice. They are trying out this new sound therapy thing and it was interesting.
So then I go downtown to the Sky Bar to watch the fire spinners. I really need to get back into that. They were OK, clearly passionate but there was something missing. It wasn't edgy enough. You're dancing with fire for goodness sake. Still, very enjoyable. Then I hung out at Antigone Books. Dan texted me to come over so I did, and wouldn't you know, how convenient that I was only a block away *wink, wink.
So, he made me this to die for sandwhich and I watched him eat raw salmon with capers and Wasabi crackers. We talked for ever. Of course it was beyond intense, it always is with him. I hate that he is so good at picking me apart so quickly. He is very perceptive and probably the best communicator I have ever met. He is also a highly skilled.....Wait, wait. Seriously, a HIGHLY fuckin SKILLED kisser/massager/leave me wanting more-er. It took such a valiant effort for me to peel myself away. I mean, I don't think anyone realizes. It's worse even than being a teenager because now people actually know what they are doing! Oh my goddd!
TMI?
Then go away.
LOL. But really. I am on Cloud 9. I don't know where this will go and I don't care because I know it's positive and I trust him completely. And he inspires me. And he is a good kisser. And so much more.
Don't be gross, that's not what I meant. I have to keep my dignity, or as he said my feminine mystique.
Oh yeah and you should watch Yuta, this guy is the best poi dancer I have ever seen and I have watched a lot of videos.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VCcLZUT81Lw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ilfvH6souuQ&feature=related
Oh. My. GOD!
Yesterday blew chunks. I won't go into that. But I was pissed because I missed going to the near death meeting that Dan was going to be at. Fine, OK, whatever. Today is a new day.
And it was amazzzing! It's Friday, a day I do not have any committments to school or volunteering (for now) and so I went rollerblading by the river. Yes, technically it is a river and there is water. Just not that much, but enough to support ducks! So, that was awesome, especially because the sky looked really cool today. And the temperature was perfect. I love wearing shorts and a T shirt and being comfortable but not sweating.
So then I went to Acupuncture which has been long overdue. I love Serena, but the other girl, Kristina, I like her as a person but she does not have the same skills, no sir, not by any stretch. Still, it was nice. They are trying out this new sound therapy thing and it was interesting.
So then I go downtown to the Sky Bar to watch the fire spinners. I really need to get back into that. They were OK, clearly passionate but there was something missing. It wasn't edgy enough. You're dancing with fire for goodness sake. Still, very enjoyable. Then I hung out at Antigone Books. Dan texted me to come over so I did, and wouldn't you know, how convenient that I was only a block away *wink, wink.
So, he made me this to die for sandwhich and I watched him eat raw salmon with capers and Wasabi crackers. We talked for ever. Of course it was beyond intense, it always is with him. I hate that he is so good at picking me apart so quickly. He is very perceptive and probably the best communicator I have ever met. He is also a highly skilled.....Wait, wait. Seriously, a HIGHLY fuckin SKILLED kisser/massager/leave me wanting more-er. It took such a valiant effort for me to peel myself away. I mean, I don't think anyone realizes. It's worse even than being a teenager because now people actually know what they are doing! Oh my goddd!
TMI?
Then go away.
LOL. But really. I am on Cloud 9. I don't know where this will go and I don't care because I know it's positive and I trust him completely. And he inspires me. And he is a good kisser. And so much more.
Don't be gross, that's not what I meant. I have to keep my dignity, or as he said my feminine mystique.
Oh yeah and you should watch Yuta, this guy is the best poi dancer I have ever seen and I have watched a lot of videos.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VCcLZUT81Lw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ilfvH6souuQ&feature=related
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Catharsis: in light of the future, the past revisited
This is going to be an EPIC entry. It just came pouring out and in typing it I was given really meaningful clarity on some things.
_______________________________________________
I used to be in a bad way. I guess that was me struggling against total disillusionment. Things happened so fast in college, too fast for me to enjoy them. I was unhappy and self destructive. I did not know how to treat myself and how to embrace my body or sexuality. I did not know how to communicate and feel solidarity in friendships without feeling the need for them to understand my unhappiness, my tormenting recent past that I carried with me everywhere.
That being said it was the most creative time of my life. My brain was open and I was constantly learning. I was constantly thinking and trying to apply words to my thoughts. I did not simply pick the easier words. I made up metaphors if nothing else. "I was floating today, in his presence. I was on a roller coaster with no seat. Every time he smiled we were lifted. The butterflies in my stomach were drunk and dizzy. I got caught in a ray of sunshine." This is how I talked in 2006. I know because I have proof.
Losing Jenna from my life was an ordeal. I had autonomy with her that could have been mostly fabricated on my part because I was so thirsty for it. I went up against life issues post graduation and gradually became more and more disillusioned. My creativity waned. Wes became my project. My career seemed unrewarding and pointless. I kept having the desire to better myself, the thought of going back to school but I never could commit because it was never something that I knew would pay off and I couldn't be let down again. I stopped trying. I started eating. I watched too much Netflix, poured my heart into Journey and Wes.
Now, in the company of impassioned people, I realize how apathetic I've become. I think I released a lot of my youthful volatility in order to persevere. It's easier for some than others. I've never known myself. Ever. What constants I have in my life I have kept at arms length, unable to fully embrace them so as to avoid the pain when they are no longer there.
I've made bad decisions in choices of people I would cling to like a barnacle, trying to convince myself they would not abandon me.
One good thing, I guess from all this, is I am completely able to recognize it and talk about it without being emotional, without it taking over. I guess that is something.
I feel like I have taken hibernation from really growing.
Here is something I wrote in early '06:
poem dedicated to Ativan
Life. Love. The man up above. Who the hell knows?
My mom is gone, my dad is mad at being alive
My roommate is troubled and my puppy is sick
Everyday I think I’ll be inspired again in what used to be
And I sit here complacently
Is this what it feels like to be ‘normal’?
Am I finally on a conventional wavelength?
I am noting these things because they came from me. It's crazy, it's like getting to know a stranger but then that stranger is actually yourself and was there all along. Sometimes now, when I almost say something, I think, "this is what a stoner would say" and I leave it. For a long time, my friends still thought I smoked and abused pills. I wasn't though, that thought/stuff was just inside of me. There was no application for it's existence and eventually I shed it on my quest to become a grown up.
This is the last, and most resonant poem of mine I found. Its really unbelievable I think. I can't believe that I wrote this.
Shattered
Is it over and done?
I so badly wanted there to be a "one"
I wanted it to be you
I wanted to hope
As it turned out, I guess this is God's joke
I'm not strong enough to be your guide, not when from you sometimes I must hide.
Your love turned out to be a lie. And isn't it obvous the next rhyme ends in cry?
I thought you'd embrace me and our experiences would be shared
But of course, back to normal me: Alone and Scared
I sit in my closet hiding from no one, sit on my couch contemplating "done"
I hide so much. I hide from the echo of betrayal and now it's come back around
I'm like lightning, alone in the night, surrounded by people full of fright
I choose to open up ever so intimately to people who don't know I overanalyze their sentimentality
Why does everything on earth die and wither away but i can't forget the words I've often heard you say?
Is the only thing that lasts remembrance of the past?
I know I'll find another relationship and some things will be the same, but I'll never again hope to seek a man to which I stake my claim
Gradually we lose that hope that burned inside
Sooner or later, our innocence gets taken with the tide
What's left when your strength is gone?
Oh well, I guess everyone just moves on
_____________________________________________
In this space a conclusion belongs.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Catharsis
I used to be in a bad way. I guess that was me struggling against total disillusionment. Things happened so fast in college, too fast for me to enjoy them. I was unhappy and self destructive. I did not know how to treat myself and how to embrace my body or sexuality. I did not know how to communicate and feel solidarity in friendships without feeling the need for them to understand my unhappiness, my tormenting recent past that I carried with me everywhere.
That being said it was the most creative time of my life. My brain was open and I was constantly learning. I was constantly thinking and trying to apply words to my thoughts. I did not just pick the easiest words. I made up metaphors if nothing else. "I was floating today, in his presence. I was on a roller coaster with no seat. Every time he smiled we were lifted. The butterflies in my stomach were drunk and dizzy. I got caught in a ray of sunshine." This is how I talked in 2006. I know because I have proof.
Losing Jenna from my life was a huge deal. I had an autonomy with her that could have been mostly fabricated on my part because I was so thirty for it. I went up against life issues post graduation and gradually became more and more disillusioned. My creativity waned. Wes became my project. My career seemed unrewarding and pointless. I kept having the desire to better myself, the thought of going back to school but I never could commit because it was never something that I knew would pay off and I couldn't be let down again. I stopped trying, I started eating. I watched too much Netflix, poured my heart into Journey and Wes.
Now, in the company of impassioned people, I realize how apathetic I've become. I think I released a lot of my youthful volatility in order to persevere. It's easier for some than others. I've never known myself. Ever. What constants I have in my life I have kept at arms length, unable to fully embrace them so as to avoid the pain when they are no longer there.
I've made bad decisions in choices of people I would cling to like a barnacle, trying to convince myself they would not abandon me.
One good thing, I guess from all this, is I am completely able to recognize it and talk about it without being emotional, without it taking over. I guess that is something.
I feel like I took a hibernation from really growing.
Here is something I wrote in early '06:
That being said it was the most creative time of my life. My brain was open and I was constantly learning. I was constantly thinking and trying to apply words to my thoughts. I did not just pick the easiest words. I made up metaphors if nothing else. "I was floating today, in his presence. I was on a roller coaster with no seat. Every time he smiled we were lifted. The butterflies in my stomach were drunk and dizzy. I got caught in a ray of sunshine." This is how I talked in 2006. I know because I have proof.
Losing Jenna from my life was a huge deal. I had an autonomy with her that could have been mostly fabricated on my part because I was so thirty for it. I went up against life issues post graduation and gradually became more and more disillusioned. My creativity waned. Wes became my project. My career seemed unrewarding and pointless. I kept having the desire to better myself, the thought of going back to school but I never could commit because it was never something that I knew would pay off and I couldn't be let down again. I stopped trying, I started eating. I watched too much Netflix, poured my heart into Journey and Wes.
Now, in the company of impassioned people, I realize how apathetic I've become. I think I released a lot of my youthful volatility in order to persevere. It's easier for some than others. I've never known myself. Ever. What constants I have in my life I have kept at arms length, unable to fully embrace them so as to avoid the pain when they are no longer there.
I've made bad decisions in choices of people I would cling to like a barnacle, trying to convince myself they would not abandon me.
One good thing, I guess from all this, is I am completely able to recognize it and talk about it without being emotional, without it taking over. I guess that is something.
I feel like I took a hibernation from really growing.
Here is something I wrote in early '06:
poem dedicated to Ativan
Life. Love. The man up above. Who the hell knows?
My mom is gone, my dad is mad at being alive
My roommate is troubled and my puppy is sick
Everyday I think I’ll be inspired again in what used to be
And I sit here complacently
Is this what it feels like to be ‘normal’?
Am I finally on a conventional wavelength?
I am noting these things because they came from me. It's crazy, it's like getting to know a stranger but then that stranger is actually yourself and was there all along. Sometimes now, when I almost say something, I think, "this is what a stoner would say" and I leave it. For a long time, my friends still thought I smoked and abused pills. I wasn't though, that stuff was just inside of me. There was no application for it's existence and eventually I shed it on my quest to become a grown up.
This is the last, and most resonant poem of mine I found. Its really unbelievable I think. I can't believe that I wrote this.
Is it over and done?
I so badly wanted there to be a "one"
I wanted it to be you
I wanted to hope
as it turned out, I guess this is God's joke
I'm not strong enough to be your guide, not when from you sometimes I must hide.
Your love turned out to be a lie. And isn't it obvous the next rhyme ends in cry?
i thought you'd embrace me and our experiences would be shared.
but of course, back to normal me: Alone and Scared
i sit in my closet hiding from no one, sit on my couch contemplating "done"
I hide so much. I hide from the sound of betrayal and now it's come back around
I'm like lightning, alone in the night, surrounded by people full of fright
i choose to open up ever so intimately to people who don't know I overanalyze their sentimentality
why does everything on earth die and wither away but i can't forget the words i've often heard you say? is the only thing that lasts remembrance of the past?
i know i'll find another relationship and some things will be the same, but i'll never again hope to seek a man to which i stake my claim
gradually we lose that hope that burned inside
sooner or later, our innocence gets taken with the tide
what's left when your strength is gone?
oh well, i guess everyone just moves on
Nothing ventured, Nothing gained
I have had an absolutely crazy week. And today itself was CRAZY!
So, let me tell you. This whole David thing blew up, I mean exploded in my face, in a matter of just a few days. He is a very troubled man with a case of alcoholism and PTSD. I've never experienced anything like that in my life. I tried to sort of deal with it, maybe change what kind of relationship we could have. But he was having no part of it. I would tell him goodnite and I would awake 8 hours later with 20+ texts waiting to be read on my phone or in my gmail. It was like he couldn't rest, couldn't be away from me. And it was totally bazaar because we really did not know each other. I tried to apologize to him for whatever I had done to lead him into thinking we were that serious but he just got angrier. I won't go into the stalker thing because it still hasn't completely sunk it but I was left with no other option than file a police report on him which I did today. Part of me feel terrible for him, he really needs help. To a normal person this shouldn't be a big deal (being turned down) but to him it was all encompassing. Nothing else existed and his mind is clearly unwell. I feel so bad, but I also feel relieved to not be carrying that burden anymore.
ANYway, also today I got a call from Dan to come over. Thank goodness, I was waiting on him to call me. I invited him to something the other night but got turned down, boo, so it was his turn. Anyway, I just spent the past 6 hours with him. A thought popped into my head while getting ready for bed a few minutes ago. The best dates are the ones you didn't realize were dates until they are already done.
I think that might have been a date. But it was perfect, if in fact it was. It was the prefect, I am not pressuring you, I am just getting to know, and may actually like you, but either way I am going to treat you like a lady, date. *whew* but really this is one to remember. It was so, exactly what I needed, especially after CrazyDavid.
So, I was at Wal Mart when Dan texted me. I was starving but I rushed to get over there to catch the movie on time. I packed a granola bar in case I couldn't make it and started trying to eat my hand or something. I would have normally thought about what I was wearing but I was in a hurry so I just went as was which was a summer dress that I have owned for years but have never looked so good in as I do now (if I do say so myself, lol) but anyway I had that on, it's short and the front is a V cut and tight around the boobies. I was "out there" and I had my boots on. Anyway, we rushed to this hippie enclave where mattresses are strewn about, a sheet is hanging from the ceiling to show movies on, and the walls are covered in art clearly down under the influence. I shouldn't talk about what the film was about here but it was interesting. Anyway, it was over and I was like "I will eat this fucking carpet if we don't go get something for dinner right this second" So, we go over and he decisively tells me it's pizza, he is dropping me off to go in while he goes and parks. This ain't your average shitty pizza place, this was like gourmet, pizza making sweet love to your mouth, kinda pizza place. Anyway, after my mouth and stomach was sufficiently satisfied we walked around downtown. He had plenty to talk about and I love it when a man will do the talking. He took me by a building that he has dreams of owning and told me what he wanted to do with it. We went by another hippie enclave that is a yoga studio/barber shop. He is going to host a workshop there and wanted to officially approve of the place. So, then we went to a bookstore because he was convinced (in a purely sweet, funny, and nonjudgmental way) that I needed some education on food and what I chose to put in my body (haha). So, he did open the car door for me and close it after I sat. Neither of us made mention of it and I was thinking maybe it was just because he was closer to that side of the car as we walked up. I don't know. But no one has ever done it in such a natural, honoring way before. So, we are hanging out in the bookstore. Never really done that with anyone before but somehow it worked. He was on his aisle and me on mine. His was Spiritual Wellness. Mine was New Age and Cultural Trends. At one point he came and sat right next to me on the floor, we switched books, I looked through his and he through mine which was funny because I was reading "Sex Signs: Every Woman's Astrological and Psychological Guide to Love, Men, Sex, Anger, and Personal Power" which I THOROUGHLY RECOMMEND. So he is all nonchalantly reading about my sign. And I begin reading "The Male Brain" which is also very good. I especially like the section about little boys obsessions with their penises. Anyway, we go one for a while and then we get kicked out because it was closing, lame. We go back to his place and he begins to cook himself dinner but I am not hungry, plus I want to read this book so I am chilling, reading one of his books. I was deep into the chapter about Motherhood which really fucking freaks me out. I mean really fucking freaks me out. (for emphasis) FUCKING FREAKS ME....ok you get the message. So, Dan comes up and is like you're cold. I tell him I am fine. He says "You're in a dress." I was like "I have boots on." He throws a fleece over me and walks back to the kitchen saying only "it's like we are in high school." SO, after a bit I wander into the kitchen begging him to tell me a story because my mind has got to get out of the Motherhood section. He tells me this amazing story about meeting Bono at this concert shortly after he left the Navy. Basically, he was crowd surfing, yeah, and a bouncer pulled him down and was grabbing him. He was like right next to the stage. Bono see's pulls him onto the stage and says "What do you want?" and Dan says "to have a good time." So, Bono instructs him that they are going to pray together, which they did for a full minute, at least. And then they stand up, hug, and Dan gave him his Navy Academy ring and said "give this to Edge!" and Bono nods. The inside of the ring is engraved: Nothing ventured, Nothing gained
Anyway, the night winds down, especially when it came that awkward getting to know you time where the person discovers my past. I really abstain from telling people my Mom is dead. I almost never do actually, even if they say something presuming she is alive. I don't correct them because then they want to know about it. Which would be fine except for then people treat me differently, not always, but it's happened a few times and been very unpleasant for me. But I figured, he can know, and I was very brief but he was inquisitive. It isn't in my nature to say something like "I'd rather not talk about it." Because I appreciate peoples honesty expressed in the form of concern so I did mention a few highlights which made me sad. Not sad like I used to me, not upset, not visibly disturbed, just melancholy and quiet with glazed over eyes and a lack of movement. It's a bazaar occurrence that I am completely unaware of until it's far too late. That part of the night I regret but whatever, it was fine. He told me some stuff about Yoga and I called it a night. He was so sweet, just gave me a nice smile but did not try and make it weird, or do a goodbye. It was just "see ya next time." and that smile.
*sigh*
I am trying really hard not to let myself like this guy too much. But I like him right now. And when I wake up tomorrow and it's Valentine's Day, I am pretty sure I will be cured and think of only my Grandpa as my Valentine. He, by the way, agreed that he could handle the responsibility of having 2 Valentines this year: me and my Gma.
So, let me tell you. This whole David thing blew up, I mean exploded in my face, in a matter of just a few days. He is a very troubled man with a case of alcoholism and PTSD. I've never experienced anything like that in my life. I tried to sort of deal with it, maybe change what kind of relationship we could have. But he was having no part of it. I would tell him goodnite and I would awake 8 hours later with 20+ texts waiting to be read on my phone or in my gmail. It was like he couldn't rest, couldn't be away from me. And it was totally bazaar because we really did not know each other. I tried to apologize to him for whatever I had done to lead him into thinking we were that serious but he just got angrier. I won't go into the stalker thing because it still hasn't completely sunk it but I was left with no other option than file a police report on him which I did today. Part of me feel terrible for him, he really needs help. To a normal person this shouldn't be a big deal (being turned down) but to him it was all encompassing. Nothing else existed and his mind is clearly unwell. I feel so bad, but I also feel relieved to not be carrying that burden anymore.
ANYway, also today I got a call from Dan to come over. Thank goodness, I was waiting on him to call me. I invited him to something the other night but got turned down, boo, so it was his turn. Anyway, I just spent the past 6 hours with him. A thought popped into my head while getting ready for bed a few minutes ago. The best dates are the ones you didn't realize were dates until they are already done.
I think that might have been a date. But it was perfect, if in fact it was. It was the prefect, I am not pressuring you, I am just getting to know, and may actually like you, but either way I am going to treat you like a lady, date. *whew* but really this is one to remember. It was so, exactly what I needed, especially after CrazyDavid.
So, I was at Wal Mart when Dan texted me. I was starving but I rushed to get over there to catch the movie on time. I packed a granola bar in case I couldn't make it and started trying to eat my hand or something. I would have normally thought about what I was wearing but I was in a hurry so I just went as was which was a summer dress that I have owned for years but have never looked so good in as I do now (if I do say so myself, lol) but anyway I had that on, it's short and the front is a V cut and tight around the boobies. I was "out there" and I had my boots on. Anyway, we rushed to this hippie enclave where mattresses are strewn about, a sheet is hanging from the ceiling to show movies on, and the walls are covered in art clearly down under the influence. I shouldn't talk about what the film was about here but it was interesting. Anyway, it was over and I was like "I will eat this fucking carpet if we don't go get something for dinner right this second" So, we go over and he decisively tells me it's pizza, he is dropping me off to go in while he goes and parks. This ain't your average shitty pizza place, this was like gourmet, pizza making sweet love to your mouth, kinda pizza place. Anyway, after my mouth and stomach was sufficiently satisfied we walked around downtown. He had plenty to talk about and I love it when a man will do the talking. He took me by a building that he has dreams of owning and told me what he wanted to do with it. We went by another hippie enclave that is a yoga studio/barber shop. He is going to host a workshop there and wanted to officially approve of the place. So, then we went to a bookstore because he was convinced (in a purely sweet, funny, and nonjudgmental way) that I needed some education on food and what I chose to put in my body (haha). So, he did open the car door for me and close it after I sat. Neither of us made mention of it and I was thinking maybe it was just because he was closer to that side of the car as we walked up. I don't know. But no one has ever done it in such a natural, honoring way before. So, we are hanging out in the bookstore. Never really done that with anyone before but somehow it worked. He was on his aisle and me on mine. His was Spiritual Wellness. Mine was New Age and Cultural Trends. At one point he came and sat right next to me on the floor, we switched books, I looked through his and he through mine which was funny because I was reading "Sex Signs: Every Woman's Astrological and Psychological Guide to Love, Men, Sex, Anger, and Personal Power" which I THOROUGHLY RECOMMEND. So he is all nonchalantly reading about my sign. And I begin reading "The Male Brain" which is also very good. I especially like the section about little boys obsessions with their penises. Anyway, we go one for a while and then we get kicked out because it was closing, lame. We go back to his place and he begins to cook himself dinner but I am not hungry, plus I want to read this book so I am chilling, reading one of his books. I was deep into the chapter about Motherhood which really fucking freaks me out. I mean really fucking freaks me out. (for emphasis) FUCKING FREAKS ME....ok you get the message. So, Dan comes up and is like you're cold. I tell him I am fine. He says "You're in a dress." I was like "I have boots on." He throws a fleece over me and walks back to the kitchen saying only "it's like we are in high school." SO, after a bit I wander into the kitchen begging him to tell me a story because my mind has got to get out of the Motherhood section. He tells me this amazing story about meeting Bono at this concert shortly after he left the Navy. Basically, he was crowd surfing, yeah, and a bouncer pulled him down and was grabbing him. He was like right next to the stage. Bono see's pulls him onto the stage and says "What do you want?" and Dan says "to have a good time." So, Bono instructs him that they are going to pray together, which they did for a full minute, at least. And then they stand up, hug, and Dan gave him his Navy Academy ring and said "give this to Edge!" and Bono nods. The inside of the ring is engraved: Nothing ventured, Nothing gained
Anyway, the night winds down, especially when it came that awkward getting to know you time where the person discovers my past. I really abstain from telling people my Mom is dead. I almost never do actually, even if they say something presuming she is alive. I don't correct them because then they want to know about it. Which would be fine except for then people treat me differently, not always, but it's happened a few times and been very unpleasant for me. But I figured, he can know, and I was very brief but he was inquisitive. It isn't in my nature to say something like "I'd rather not talk about it." Because I appreciate peoples honesty expressed in the form of concern so I did mention a few highlights which made me sad. Not sad like I used to me, not upset, not visibly disturbed, just melancholy and quiet with glazed over eyes and a lack of movement. It's a bazaar occurrence that I am completely unaware of until it's far too late. That part of the night I regret but whatever, it was fine. He told me some stuff about Yoga and I called it a night. He was so sweet, just gave me a nice smile but did not try and make it weird, or do a goodbye. It was just "see ya next time." and that smile.
*sigh*
I am trying really hard not to let myself like this guy too much. But I like him right now. And when I wake up tomorrow and it's Valentine's Day, I am pretty sure I will be cured and think of only my Grandpa as my Valentine. He, by the way, agreed that he could handle the responsibility of having 2 Valentines this year: me and my Gma.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Liver damage
After class, which sucked by the way, you know that class is 5 hours 3 times a week. It doesn't help when you stay up to ungodly hours of the morning and then wake up at 5:45am. Anyway, after class I went to one of the places there were Gem Show vendors, had a pretty good time though I did get sentimental thinking of how Wes and I went there in 2009 and had such a good time together. I went over to get acupunture but they were totally booked. Figures. And they totally deserve all that business so it was fine. Ended up going to David's house for the first time. That's right, house. He lives with his brother and it's a nice house. We went and walked along the "river" and he told me all kinds of insightful details about his life. Wow, what an Army guy. I mean wow, total freaking military. I almost felt like it was my duty to....well, lol, maybe not my duty but...
Anyway, yeah.
I like talking about the journey of life that he has had and hearing his point of view, being so similar, even though our experiences are polar opposites. I mean, the guy could be an evil mastermind, and has earned a purple heart. Guess that's just life for you. It's like I was saying to him. Some people seem really condescending because they act like you are where you are because of some choice, some plan. But I wake up, I say "this is my life, doesn't necessary look a thing like I thought it would. but somehow A+B/Z & C/ 123 and here I am."
I gotta get up early again to go out in the desert with Daniel, an intern I trained way back when, to volunteer doing GPS stuff on the Ironwood. The other day we showed up just as a load had come though. I love that excitement. Love it!
Monday, February 7, 2011
Girl biz
I kissed David. It was weird. It was not Wes. I just kept wanting him to kiss like Wes. It kind of sucked. It wasn't terrible it was just not what I thought it would be. Oh well, guess there will be more when I see him again on Tuesday.
Dan is the one I reallly like but he doesn't text and I've gone by his house twice and he wasn't home. I could call him but I don't want it to be a thing. I want it to happen impromptu that way I can read his reaction to seeing me. I need to know where he's coming from. Mike is convinced Dan really likes me but I don't know. He was really sweet but I think that's just how he is.
Enough about boys!
But srsly I've been trying to study and I get so distracted. Today is the day I must get some serious studying done. But I want to go shopping. Which sucks, because I literally have negative money but I want a pair of those jeans/leggings that I can wear my boots over. They are all made for super skinny people. I got the curves but I know I would look good in those. Probably too good. That's sort of what I'm going for. lol
If I ever get money I really need to go see a lady doctor. I have weird cramps lately. They are sharp but only mildly painful. I haven't been to a doctor since the June '09.
I'm going to assume that everyone reading this gets it on the regular. Do you have any idea how hard it is to be our age and not...? Sometimes, I think it's just me, I don't know, but yes I am horndog and I know this! Haha
Dan is the one I reallly like but he doesn't text and I've gone by his house twice and he wasn't home. I could call him but I don't want it to be a thing. I want it to happen impromptu that way I can read his reaction to seeing me. I need to know where he's coming from. Mike is convinced Dan really likes me but I don't know. He was really sweet but I think that's just how he is.
Enough about boys!
But srsly I've been trying to study and I get so distracted. Today is the day I must get some serious studying done. But I want to go shopping. Which sucks, because I literally have negative money but I want a pair of those jeans/leggings that I can wear my boots over. They are all made for super skinny people. I got the curves but I know I would look good in those. Probably too good. That's sort of what I'm going for. lol
If I ever get money I really need to go see a lady doctor. I have weird cramps lately. They are sharp but only mildly painful. I haven't been to a doctor since the June '09.
I'm going to assume that everyone reading this gets it on the regular. Do you have any idea how hard it is to be our age and not...? Sometimes, I think it's just me, I don't know, but yes I am horndog and I know this! Haha
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Dos Amigos
This is my 2nd blog and it is on dating and boys. Please don’t read unless you really, really want to J
Superbowl Sunday morning. I have some time to kill before I try and go back to sleep for another hour or so. Right now the house is being filled with some people attending one of the workshops that Mike hosts here. Only about 10 people and I know them so this isn’t too uncomfortable. The big events are the ones I am usually up and out of the house for, or I help with. They quiet down after a while but right now I am awake watching the sun through the blinds of my window. There are sheer curtains, something I would never by myself but are pretty. I love my blue fingernails. I love my friend Nich. And I absolutely and thrilled about this guy I met. This is another one. Let’s name them. OK so you know Wes, who I was with for forever and again over the 2010 holidays. I held such a flame for that guy for so long through so much. I can’t say that I still don’t. But I am really starting to feel good, actually good, about being “single.” It’s more than just a word of freedom to me now. Now, I can actually find guys, that are interested in me, funny, attentive and here is the best part: able to express their thoughts, ideas, and feelings! Holy shit, I had forgotten that guys could actually be called upon to do that! I mean, not even be called upon, but just do it on their own. I’m like overwhelmed by it a little because I don’t know how to even respond. But I digress. Names, remember?
So, Dan is who I met through mutual friends. David I met through the internet (yeah, I know!) and that is all that I can fit on my plate!
Last night I sat in Sky Bar waiting for Nich and talking to an older couple seated next to me about Google Earth (playing on the screen in the background. I love Sky Bar!) I am fortunate that one vodka sprite gets me going and there is smoething liberating at coming to the point in my life that I can sit in a bar alone. Though I wouldn’t want to do it for hours. Anyway, Nich shows up and I haven’t seen him since before Christmas and all kinds of stuff had gone down. His boyfriends brother had gotten shot in the back of the head down closer to the border. The story is insane and will be another thing that goes completely unreported in the national news. After we got the drama out we were joking about all the ways we could potentially mess with this guy David, who was coming to meet me for the first time, in case he was a creeper. So David texts, and I told him to find me and I gave him no clues. Sometimes I can be mean but to be fair he has seen a photo of me. So he finds me and right off the bat I’m thinking this guy seems like he has his stuff together. The confidence, the way he moved through the room, his smile or small talk with strangers and the way he ordered by drink and brought it to me. He did not seem “put on” at all. It was definitely one of those things where, in real life, I wouldn’t probably look at him and say that guy is attractive but once I knew some things about him…he was becoming moreso. I kept looking at his hands. So strong. The way he spoke. Direct, well timed, not nervous. Not boasting but self assured.
I don’t know. The point is I’m not looking for a boyfriend and he isn’t looking for a girlfriend. And he is hot, and I am cute and let’s see what happens. It’s Dating. Dating! Such a concept, right?! After a while I wanted him to skidaddle and he said he would walk us to our next place. Nich and I hop around 4th Ave…we were going to the other end. He walked me and I put my arm through his arm. Then after a bit I grabbed his hand that was right there. Then, best part, he put his loose hand over my hand, completely enclosing it and keeping it warm.
Maybe it was the drinks (probably, lol) and Nich being there but it really helped my nervousness. And the fact that David didn’t seem nervous, whew…so nice. He took off and Nich and I danced the night away, as usual. For once I didn’t mind the gay bar as much even though it’s more like a dance orgy. Touching strangers and rubbing against them isn’t just a necessity since it’s so crowded…it almost just becomes the thing to do. I love grabbing guys butts and then they look around at the boys trying to guess who it was. I love dirty dancing with Nich. And wow, there was again, some entertaining people there. Some trannies, one of which I thought looked like an actual godess. One guy had a tie and was dancing with it and light sticks as accessories. That guy knew what he was doing…maybe it was whatever he was on?...Chemically induced good dancing? A gay cowboy came up to me trying to hit on Nich through me. Funny stuff.
There is more, I’m just throwing out random details. Anyway David wants to see me again, and soon. And I know I am going to freak out seeing him because of me liking him and being highly, highly attracted to him. It’s so much easier in your head, to just, let someone take you in that way. But in real life, it’s like…I don’t know. The last guy I was attracted to like this right off the bat was Dustin and we did some crazy stuff in crazy places and I was able to because I got deeply inebriated. And that’s all I will say on that. But with David, now that we are older, have been with other people, etc…I’m almost more nervous. I know I need to jump back on that saddle, so to speak. I just know that once I do, there is no going back. And what if I like it? Then what happens with Wes and I? I truly love him. I would’ve done anything for him. But I can’t help someone who won’t help themselves and I have to just realize, he is on his own journey and I can’t be there for him even if I want to and even if I would.
I got to study, make flash cards, take more people’s blood pressure for homework, and go to the Superbowl party at Richards house. I just met him through Christina. Richard works at the BLM and seems very lively. His wife and he have invited some people over to yell at the TV.
The other night, Friday, I got super drunk and g-chatted with that guy David all night. SO, all in all been a good weekend but I normally don’t drink this much in an entire month! I’m going to have to get Acupunture this week and have her focus on my liver and spleen.
Quotes and Thoughts for 2011 the BLOG begins
What she felt was a gaping emptiness, a vacancy of body mind and spirit. Such was the depth of the hole; Anna couldn't even tell what emotions would come to fill it. Disappointment, cynicism, bitterness, sadness, understanding. As long as it wasn't bitterness she would cope. Buried so deep she only guessed at it and resolutely remained in denial about the possibility of its existence a part of her suspected the hollow place was lined with loneliness. She’d come from a long line of lonely women, women who'd come to take pride in it, overlay it with competence, independence, and hard work, and despise any woman so weak she gave into it. Too tired to drag up the traditional defenses, Anna took her solace where she always did-in the natural world. The smell of the earth, the touch of the sky held for her a special alchemy able to turn loneliness into aloneness, so make it, if not sacred at least bearable.
-N. Barr "Deep South"
Well, so this is where my blog experiment begins. Blog. Gross. Um yeah, first I suppose I should pick an audience for who I mainly want to read it. You probably know who you are. Then I should devise how this is going to happen. Some people maintain their blogs better than their lives, such dedication and organization. Well, that's probably not me so don't expect too much. Haha, like you do anyways.
So, in efforts to make become more positive I'd like people to help remind me of the silver lining in things. I've gotten much better (if I do say so myself) however there is always room for improvement (gay phraseology)
I live in Tucson. Again. And I must say I have come full circle on the whole experience. I actually want to be here. I notice a lot more things I like about Tucson. I feel good about being here. I've just got some goals to accomplish. Living healthier, challenging myself to be outside of my comfort zone, volunteer work, and of course FRIENDS!
But, that's really general let's get down to brass tacks. I did meet someone and have yet to characterize what I exactly want from him. Friend is an awesome base layer you know. The only reason I'm a little contemplative over it is because I think it could be more and I also sort of think he might want more too. But it's WAY too early to tell. I just need more time with him. He is like the coolest person I've met in 100 years though. I sort of hate that as I get to know him I can't help but hear my subconscious appreciating all the things he offers that Wes never did. And I really didn't want to do that because comparisons are no bueno. Still, I can't help it. OK I wasn't even going to bring that topic up so let me travel somewhere else.
Wine. Mmmm...
OK fuckin shit. Shit mother fucker. I hate this part. I feel, and was TOLD (thanks Seth) that folks be needing a backstory to empathize with my biz and whateva.
One thing: I like talking about my experiences. I don't like talking about myself. Does that make sense?
Seth would say "I imagine I feel this way because _____..." so OK here goes
I imagine I feel this way because of my audience. No offense, but, umm, my friends are sort of traditional. They have that American dream life track thing going on. The older I've gotten the more important I place improving my self and living for ME. That is selfish I suppose to a certain extent. But anyway, I guess what I am saying is I'm not on the same playing field as you guys. ALSO, what I'm doing in my "career" (Career, really? VOMIT!) is so unusual that most people don't know what entails or what it takes to succeed. And like, do I want to explain all this bullshit. Think about it, it's the flippin government yo, it's convoluted, so to explain all that shit would exhaust me. ALSO, it's just something I'm seeking it's not like I'm all passionate. Also, I love the trees and birds and air and sunrays and lighting and all that but I'm not an environmentalist. I think people try to classify and categorize things and people to make it simple to understand or disseminate to others. But truth be told, and maybe this sounds lofty, but you can't do that with me. Because whatever you boil down won't really be accurate.
Back to this fella. I had one conversation with him that went on for over 2 hours and I told him things I haven't vocalized to ANYone. To try and summarize it here would not do it justice but wow. I mean it's like...hmm...words...I seek words...
Words: I am on a journey. I don't even know what it is but I know I'm on it.
And somehow I've come to find the uncertainty, unpredictability and sheer madness (at times) of it take hold of me. It's more comforting to be like this then to make some huge life decision. I respect you (metaphorical you) but at the same time you fucking terrify me. Marriage, kids, one steady job, one steady, predictable, path. And not just that but to literally have a "schedule" whereby you do similar thing and similar times of the day for weeks upon end etc. Whoa....that's just...scarey as shit! And babies, that is a whole other story. You know someone told me that part of a females brain actually dies and then re-grows when she has her baby and it like is the epicenter of the whole "I live for this creation, this is my whole point of existence." or something. Maybe I'm muddling it down but whoa. But I digress I could talk about the pitfalls of motherhood all day.
See, now, how am I supposed to say that without folks reacting negatively? It's like they are missing the point. It's not like I don't love their kiddos and get happy to see photos or care deeply. And it doesn't mean if I visited I wouldn't want to hear about the whole thing and go shopping for rubber nipples.
I just feel so often when I really reach out and try to communicate, people are missing my point entirely. Or I express some form of discontent and they think that means to give me advice. This can really make me angry sometimes. I want to say "Hey, stop right there. I can give you advice cause I'm the one out here doing shit you would never do."
I digress. Again. More wine…mmmm
It’s hard to see people differently than how you saw them when you and that person were the closest. An example, is that I used to be somewhat of an extreme homebody. Now, whereas I enjoy home just as much as ever, I really don’t have the same insecurities. Ask Nich, I danced on the damn stage, alone, in front of a 100 people, all while wearing a stinky arm cast.
I told somebody something the other day and it stuck with me. I said, “I would rather be uncomfortable and entertained than be comfortable and bored.”
I rarely divulge some of the crazy shit, or stories, encounters I have because it doesn’t fit.
This bring me back to my first CAPS LOCK point way up there which is FRIENDS. I need friends that feel me on this shit. I love my friends, and I depend on you guys to be there for me, but I also feel like you don’t know where I am coming from anymore.
So, to end this blog, is to say, yes, I recognize this and the point of the flippin blog is so maybe you do know where I am coming from.
How is that? Mission successful?
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