What she felt was a gaping emptiness, a vacancy of body mind and spirit. Such was the depth of the hole; Anna couldn't even tell what emotions would come to fill it. Disappointment, cynicism, bitterness, sadness, understanding. As long as it wasn't bitterness she would cope. Buried so deep she only guessed at it and resolutely remained in denial about the possibility of its existence a part of her suspected the hollow place was lined with loneliness. She’d come from a long line of lonely women, women who'd come to take pride in it, overlay it with competence, independence, and hard work, and despise any woman so weak she gave into it. Too tired to drag up the traditional defenses, Anna took her solace where she always did-in the natural world. The smell of the earth, the touch of the sky held for her a special alchemy able to turn loneliness into aloneness, so make it, if not sacred at least bearable.
-N. Barr "Deep South"
Well, so this is where my blog experiment begins. Blog. Gross. Um yeah, first I suppose I should pick an audience for who I mainly want to read it. You probably know who you are. Then I should devise how this is going to happen. Some people maintain their blogs better than their lives, such dedication and organization. Well, that's probably not me so don't expect too much. Haha, like you do anyways.
So, in efforts to make become more positive I'd like people to help remind me of the silver lining in things. I've gotten much better (if I do say so myself) however there is always room for improvement (gay phraseology)
I live in Tucson. Again. And I must say I have come full circle on the whole experience. I actually want to be here. I notice a lot more things I like about Tucson. I feel good about being here. I've just got some goals to accomplish. Living healthier, challenging myself to be outside of my comfort zone, volunteer work, and of course FRIENDS!
But, that's really general let's get down to brass tacks. I did meet someone and have yet to characterize what I exactly want from him. Friend is an awesome base layer you know. The only reason I'm a little contemplative over it is because I think it could be more and I also sort of think he might want more too. But it's WAY too early to tell. I just need more time with him. He is like the coolest person I've met in 100 years though. I sort of hate that as I get to know him I can't help but hear my subconscious appreciating all the things he offers that Wes never did. And I really didn't want to do that because comparisons are no bueno. Still, I can't help it. OK I wasn't even going to bring that topic up so let me travel somewhere else.
Wine. Mmmm...
OK fuckin shit. Shit mother fucker. I hate this part. I feel, and was TOLD (thanks Seth) that folks be needing a backstory to empathize with my biz and whateva.
One thing: I like talking about my experiences. I don't like talking about myself. Does that make sense?
Seth would say "I imagine I feel this way because _____..." so OK here goes
I imagine I feel this way because of my audience. No offense, but, umm, my friends are sort of traditional. They have that American dream life track thing going on. The older I've gotten the more important I place improving my self and living for ME. That is selfish I suppose to a certain extent. But anyway, I guess what I am saying is I'm not on the same playing field as you guys. ALSO, what I'm doing in my "career" (Career, really? VOMIT!) is so unusual that most people don't know what entails or what it takes to succeed. And like, do I want to explain all this bullshit. Think about it, it's the flippin government yo, it's convoluted, so to explain all that shit would exhaust me. ALSO, it's just something I'm seeking it's not like I'm all passionate. Also, I love the trees and birds and air and sunrays and lighting and all that but I'm not an environmentalist. I think people try to classify and categorize things and people to make it simple to understand or disseminate to others. But truth be told, and maybe this sounds lofty, but you can't do that with me. Because whatever you boil down won't really be accurate.
Back to this fella. I had one conversation with him that went on for over 2 hours and I told him things I haven't vocalized to ANYone. To try and summarize it here would not do it justice but wow. I mean it's like...hmm...words...I seek words...
Words: I am on a journey. I don't even know what it is but I know I'm on it.
And somehow I've come to find the uncertainty, unpredictability and sheer madness (at times) of it take hold of me. It's more comforting to be like this then to make some huge life decision. I respect you (metaphorical you) but at the same time you fucking terrify me. Marriage, kids, one steady job, one steady, predictable, path. And not just that but to literally have a "schedule" whereby you do similar thing and similar times of the day for weeks upon end etc. Whoa....that's just...scarey as shit! And babies, that is a whole other story. You know someone told me that part of a females brain actually dies and then re-grows when she has her baby and it like is the epicenter of the whole "I live for this creation, this is my whole point of existence." or something. Maybe I'm muddling it down but whoa. But I digress I could talk about the pitfalls of motherhood all day.
See, now, how am I supposed to say that without folks reacting negatively? It's like they are missing the point. It's not like I don't love their kiddos and get happy to see photos or care deeply. And it doesn't mean if I visited I wouldn't want to hear about the whole thing and go shopping for rubber nipples.
I just feel so often when I really reach out and try to communicate, people are missing my point entirely. Or I express some form of discontent and they think that means to give me advice. This can really make me angry sometimes. I want to say "Hey, stop right there. I can give you advice cause I'm the one out here doing shit you would never do."
I digress. Again. More wine…mmmm
It’s hard to see people differently than how you saw them when you and that person were the closest. An example, is that I used to be somewhat of an extreme homebody. Now, whereas I enjoy home just as much as ever, I really don’t have the same insecurities. Ask Nich, I danced on the damn stage, alone, in front of a 100 people, all while wearing a stinky arm cast.
I told somebody something the other day and it stuck with me. I said, “I would rather be uncomfortable and entertained than be comfortable and bored.”
I rarely divulge some of the crazy shit, or stories, encounters I have because it doesn’t fit.
This bring me back to my first CAPS LOCK point way up there which is FRIENDS. I need friends that feel me on this shit. I love my friends, and I depend on you guys to be there for me, but I also feel like you don’t know where I am coming from anymore.
So, to end this blog, is to say, yes, I recognize this and the point of the flippin blog is so maybe you do know where I am coming from.
How is that? Mission successful?
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