Barfday 28

There is too much to cover since last I bloggered. So I will just do my usual free flow and see what comes out. Cheryl, Mike's wife, is back, at least for now, comma comma, and it's been interesting to say the least. I love her though and am sooo happy to enjoy her company again. We went to the 4th avenue street fair today and walked around in the sun and heat for a while. I got a sexy black tank top, a pair of brown cute slipper shoes, and high heels that I intend to spray paint silver for the wedding, all for under $12. I love Goodwill!

My horoscope is always telling me I need to keep physically busy to stay happy but it's hard sometimes when alls you want to do is veg out. But I notice it is true for me. Going from one side of town to the other running errands, library, Somalii family, gym, New Agey seminar, downtown for drinks and then the day is gone before I even had time to check the time.

I had an interview at Whole Foods the other day and it was a story in and of itself but anyway needless to say I didn't get the job. Surprising though they kept calling me telling me how wonderful of an interviewee I was (which is hilarious once you know the backstory) but whatever. From now on in interviews I am not going to sleep the night before, have a bunch of other stuff planned, and go in unprepared and delerious because it's been working out for me in a way. Leave less time to get nervvvvous. Guess that's how I've been able to start hanging around Zach lately too. Anyway, they want me to come an interview for a different position tomorrow. That would just be cruel to have me come back and stillll not hire me so...I best to be collecting some dollars soon.

I am going to try (key word: try) not to make a big thing about Zach and not talk about it too much because it's totally brand new. Plus, he is what I am going to call a Gentleman Player. Wait, that sounds like he plays gentlemen. Gentleman Lady-Player? That'll have to do. Anyway, last night was so...eventful... and I just want to go see him again but I gotta play my cards right. Basically I need some other sidedishes simmering on my stovetop.

So for my birthday I rounded up a couple of my favorite folks plus a new addition, namely Elliott. He's Janka's object of affection but um...yeah, the whole thing is funny and cute and immature and like something out of a quirky independent film. I will say, to his credit, there are very few times it is appropriate to slap a girls ass, and he executed it well. It's fun to go out and Nich is an amazing pilot and captain of the ship for our adventures but also everywhere we go people assume we are a couple. Our behavior probably contributes to this haha but whatever I want to have FUN! Janka was really fun too. It was a pretty awesome Bday. It was cool too because I was missing Peter, an old buddy of Nich and I, and he texted me saying he wants to visit. He lives in CO now. He would've been such a perfect addition to our night. Nich and I are talking about trying to visit him sometime this summer and even though it's a while away I'm excited and I hope we can make it happen.

Last night Mike, Cheryl, and I went to see Tangled.. It had all these amazing reviews. Sure it was good. Like mediocore popcorn but... it didn't come close to Despicable Me. I am a cheesball for "kids" movies.

I went to the Salon and my hair was absolutely drop dead gorgeous for like...3 hours..and I was out in the sun (hello, AZ, impossible to not be in the sun) and now I have a head of orange hair. ORANGE!!! Not Good. ALSO, I have a wedding to go to next weekend. I abhor show shopping, especially dress shoes. Society and ad's are all like "women just love their shoes!" and I'm like hell to the no who you be talking about! A shoe is a damn shoe what am I missing here?! I belabored myself to smithereens the other night walking around in pretty shoes. Forget that hogwash. Would you trade out your car tires for diamond studded stilettos?! No, it's not practical. Neither is putting my foot in some torture device begging for a twisted ankle.

FYE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bqxnm6t3QMw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uz2G7hh9jyc


Nich and I sobering up on the hood of my car

 

new lipstick, picture doesn't do it justice! it's RED!

Cops and Carrots

Who is useless? That's right- it's ME!

If I don't get a job soon I am going to empty the garbage underneath the bed and crawl under it and start digging a tunnel to China.

Being unemployed for this long is like walking around the neighborhood, leash in hand, with no dog attached at the end.

I try and stay busy as I can. I've started with the Somali family which definitely has its ups and downs. Currently I am extreeeeeemly frustrated (not with them). I can't teach unless there is a goal, unless I can explain what the fucking lesson is, and what I want them to do. If I can't tell them what I am trying to teach them I come off as a bumbling idiot and they get confused. And them getting confused makes them frustrated because they want to understand. What they need are formal classes. They need more than I can give, and that is why I am frustrated. Not to mention spending time in bookstores lately looking for educational books that don't have a bunch of chubby white people in there learning words associated with American culture that the Somalii's won't even come close to understanding yet until they know more about the country. What they need is fucking PBS yo but apparently something about TVs don't work anymore because you need a digital converter or some nonsense.

I didn't go to the Ironwood last Wednesday b/c of this lame ass mock disaster drill at the airport here. It could've been really awesome and a great learning experience but the public safety folks (firefighters, EMTs, police, hazmat, etc.) didn't take it seriously AT ALL and it was a waste of time and taxpayers money. It really ticked us students (who played the victims) off because we thought it was going to be a real scenario (which is was set up to be) but one fat lady cop came over to an unconscious guy (20 minutes after the incident) and said "Hey, so, like, are you supposed to be dead?" ...and he didn't  respond (hello, he's unconscious!) and she says to her partner "Hey this one is dead so I guess that's less work for us." WHAT a JOKE! I sort of wanted to if that bitch knew anything about weapons retention or anything police oriented at all but I didn't want to get it trouble. Oh the satisfaction if I'd been able to take her sidearm out of her holster though.

Tangent: Police. I've never been intimidated by them. I don't know why that is. Maybe my parents didn't teach me a lot about fearing authority but I always used to argue with them which embarassed my mother but entertained my father. I remember we tried to bike into an air show in the early 90s and the cops wouldn't let us go past the fence. So then we started to lock our bikes to the fence and they told us we couldn't do that. So then we asked where we could and they didn't know. (Keep in mind this is at an airfield so the nearest trees, poles, etc. were pretty far away) so then I asked them what they would do (I was genuinely curious) if we went ahead and rode our bikes in anyway, past them. It wasn't all obnoxious "oh yeah well what are you going to do about it?" at least not in my mind. I just wanted to know. I just never understood why people revere/fear cops so much. ANYWAY, they told us they would catch us. This is what makes the whole thing memorable to my kid brain. I was thinking how were they going to catch us if we were on bicycles and they were on foot. They must have seen the thought because they pointed behind them to a nearby hanger and there were 2 police bicycles there leaned against the siding. I thought it was so funny I started having one of those hysterical freakish kid laughing attacks. The police did not find it funny. My Dad, at this point, is making one of his jokes no one gets "Ohhhh, OK, so that's where the bikes are kept. Well, c'mon kid let's roll over there and put the bikes away." At some point in the course of this, they informed us that they were going to have to escort us out and not allow us to watch the Air Show. This has stuck with me. I was 8 years old. ReaLLy?

Anyway, I hate seeing lazy cops. Nothing makes me angrier than a cop who lacks self respect and integrity. Last night, at Barrio Viejo festival I noticed a pair, the woman was fit and observant, the man was AT LEAST 100 lb's overweight/obese. Sorry but if you're plan for apprehension is "to sit on a fool" you must realize you have to in fact catch that fool first. I was at the Festival alone so I was in my entertain myself mode which involves a lot of people watching. For a while last night it was cop watching. It was comical. Hey, here is a recipe for a real disaster, a large number of people and a fat cop with his hands on his hips oblivious to anything but watching small children eating ice cream cones. My entertainment came in the form of as walking past the cops, pointing out to Fatty that his keepers were unsnapped and when he looked down I said "HA! Made you look!" It was priceless. I didn't stick around for the negative reaction to come across his face, just long enough for that initial dumbfounded look.

Tangent over. _   _   _   _   _

I did go on a really enjoyable hike last Sunday up to some waterfalls. I packed a picnic lunch to eat when I got there. I offered a cutie named Ethan one of my carrots but he declined. Who hikes that far and declines a carrot is what I want to know?! Anyway, he went on top of the falls and I took a couple pictures of him and told him I would email him. He sort of implied it'd be cool if I hiked back down with him but I was like no thanks which I think he took to mean no thanks not with you. Which is unfortunate because really I just don't like hiking with strangers all that much AND I was waiting to be the last one to leave for 2 reasons: I wanted to sing on the way down, and I wanted it to be in the sunset. I got my wish and it was SOOOO worth it. I saw this hawk riding a thermal and he was just suspended motionless at one point not moving forward or backward, up or down, just about the mountain line. It was so cool looking. The saguaros and cacti are mostly washed out with an abundance of sunlight during the day but at sunset color bursts through the plants like a glow, and it's beautiful. The wildlife comes out...coyotes, javelinas, birds, bats, deer.

What can one say when one's boyfriend starts dating another woman. Oh fuck. There I go calling him my boyfriend again. I swear! Could I make it all go away by undergoing hypnosis?

Today I hiked up Picacho Peak yo and it was super fun. Lots of cables and weird positioning to get up there. OH YEAH and what the hell is up with people declining a carrot?! This is the second time it's happened. Am I the only one that finds carrots extremely comforting on a hike?!

I have been texting this guy Zach, trying to figure out if I like him or not. It's hard to tell. I think I should take a risk and invest myself a little..possibly next weekend? I thought he might come meet me at the Barrio last night but he had just rode his bike 50 miles (that's right) up Mt. Lemmon b/c he is training for an upcoming trip. Apparently today he ran this crazy race. He exhausts me just hearing about it.

I have a huge test on Tuesday. Tomorrow is Monday. Guess that means I should start studying?! ;)

Today's photo on top of Picacho Pk

Little Bee

If you haven't read it, you should. I have to mail the book back to the lady who leant it to me in Cali so I looked through the pages to see the quotes I dog-eared.

"In your country, if you are not scared enough already, you can go to watch a horror film. Afterward you can go out of the cinema and into the night and for a little while there is horror in everything. Perhaps there are murderers lying in wait for you at home. You can think this because there is a light on in your house that you are certain you did not leave on. And when you remove your makeup in the mirror last thing, you see a strange look in your own eyes. It is not you. For one hour you are haunted, and you do not trust anybody, and then the feeling fades away. Horror in your country is something you take a dose of to remind yourself you are not suffering from it."
 -Little Bee by Chris Cleave

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Anyway, life has been rough. Spring Break flu, so I lied around feeling sorry for myself for days on end. Then now that I am better there still is absolutely nothing to do. I applied for a bunch of jobs, talked to people, had pathetic results leaving me feel even more irrelevant and useless.

My massage class was nice as usual. Mike taught me how to change my own brakes. That was really super awesome and fun. I'll never pay for someone to do my brakes again!

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I went to hear a Tibetan monk and that was a pleasant reminder of some very basic epitaphs for living a better life. I have been texting a man from the internet and I figured I might as well meet him even though I'm really exhausted from that whole game right now. I guess the lonlieness outweighs my anxiety and disdain for online dating. Luckily Mike and Janka came to the bar with me and helped ease my nervousness. Janka talked about aliens and it made me very happy. She was utterly serious.

I think it's possible I miss Wes more than I allow myself to realize sometimes. And then in moments of weakness the thought of us is overwhelming. I can't get all the details out of my head. How he would react, what he would say, how he moves, his laugh, his smell, his general disposition which I'm realizing more and more as I meet other people just how similar it is to mine. I feel like I don't belong, don't fit in anywhere. Friends are impossible to make, avenues for making friends even harder to find. I wish I could fall into another guy. It used to seem so easy. I never had any trouble before. I went from Seth to Dustin to Wes and I was in love for some amount of time with each. Especially Dustin. I hate admitting it but it was true. We had an intensity that can only come from youth. I wish I could meet someone like him right now, someone that could captivate me like that. Of course much of us was not really love per se. And then Wes has fucked me up something considerable. I'm so jaded. I was like in a waiting room sitting there waiting the whole time I was with him and now that we are supposedly broken up I don't feel much different. I still feel like I'm waiting on him somehow.

Ugh, word vomit. It just happens sometimes. I don't know. I just wish I felt like something was happening. The whole world is spinning and everyone is moving around moving forward and I am aimless and bored and disappointed in what my life is.

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From what I gather of the talk, one part of Bon philosophy says to incorporate the poisonous things and ingest them. Do not separate yourself from that which troubles you. A person cannot segregate their experiences. We take in the bad, but mix it with good so as so counteract the energy of the negative, therefore diluting it. Like if herb A is toxic but B and so forth are good. Mix A with it and it will counterbalance the toxicity. I feel like I've always lived that way though. I've always been in touch with myself and my feelings even when they are shit I've always known that they are an integral part of me. I guess I just thought like Good Times Are Coming. One day it wouldn't be so hard, one day I would find my fit somehow. With a job or a community or a family. Something.

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Spring Broke

I swear some of the weirdest stuff happens in this house! No further comment.
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ANYway, so I LOVE my massage class. It's really informal and quaint. I was nervous when I first started because I wasn't going with a partner but it ended being cool. I was assigned, and since have always been with, a man named Mark who is very kind and a great massager. Masseuse?

Mark is older, I'm not sure how old but let's just say, um, older. Anyway, he has a very warm energy and always gives me extra special treatment. He's not creepy either. He is distinctly not creepy. Yet I can sense his attraction to me. I won't lie and say I haven't subtly encouraged it. I mean it's fun you know. Whatever. Anyway he kissed me twice last night. On the cheek! It was very sweet and made sense in the moment. He wouldn't do anything inappropriate or anything.

Point is, I've been advised to consider, just consider, actually going out with him and exploring the possibilites of being with an actual, non creepy, sweet, respectful, chivalrous man. I'm not interested in making any decisions on it anytime soon. But I did enjoy being kissed on the cheek :)

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I finally went to the doctor today. It. Was. Awesome!
I go so long w/o insurance or doctors. This was badass! She seemed very attentive. She looked like that Felicity woman. Anyway, I'm excited to get to go back and get my ladies health done. There ain't no telling. I could have a lemon tree growing up there for all I know as long as it's been since I've been seen. Being in possession of a vagina is like owning a miniature cave. I mean it's not like I can really go up in there. So, I don't know what's going on. I like to think it's like a party up there. I also like to think of my vagina as being top shelf quality. I want all the party goers to be satisfied.

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It's Spring Break. I'm a little disappointed that I have negative money, owe the IRS, have no job prospects, no boy toy, my car brakes are failing, I have no plans, I can't afford plans, and I have nothing to do except lounge in the sun and exercise. This was all well and good when I was in dire need of a respite and good theraputic time. But no, I just feel like a BUM! And I miss my puppy dog. I even miss Wes. I wish Seth could've come to visit but his Spring Break was a week offset from mine. Lame!

Maybe I will finish my Yellowstone scrapbook. That sounds so sad to me. Here I am, all ready to be social and fun, and I don't got no peoples. Where the fuck is be my peoples?! Ima put an ad out.

Desperately Seeking Peoples:

Must be open minded, tolerant of others, positive attitude overall but able to embrace the ebb and flow of life's complications.

Must enjoy music, mountains, adventures.

Pluses are enjoying doing activites like bike rides, hikes, movies, etc.

If children are had, must have a good attitude and be raising them to be healthy, well rounded creatures of the future. Must have a distinct personality separate from just being a mommy. You're still an individual, lest you need to be reminded I can do that. If you can't bob yo neck to some Warren G you got some issues and need not apply.

If children are not had, must still smile and make faces at babies.

The End.

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I'm thinking...

I have not felt like this blog the past little while because I didn't know where to start. I wish I could just vomit out my experience at the Hospital doing clinicals the other day. I just wish to upchuck the whole thing and be done with it. Instead I had to emotionally digest it, and it was a bitch! Alls I will say about it is that I tip my hat to everyone working in the medical field.

This guy Dan is a major douchebag, by the way, also, and so forth. It wouldn't be as bad if he wasn't so clueless. I've decided that is the worst part. Is that I can't get justice on his arrogant bastard soul because he's so clueless he's impenetrable.

There's more fishes in the sea though right? Apparently all the ones I like are almost 40 though! Holy cow batman! We'll see. I'm not going to lie, it's not their age that bothers me. It's me being intimidated by comparison. And before you think "But you're awesome Rayna!" yeah yeah, BUT these guys, the ones I like, they sell themselves like being UBER AWESOME.

Yeah, it's true, it's from profiles from a dating website. So, corn and cheese as it may be, it's 2011 fools and when you want to sweep you need a broom! The internet it supposedly where it's at yo. I mean, seriously, after the creeps I have had, can it really get much worse?!

Anyway, today I mailed my grandmothers some crystal hangies that I fashioned. Mike made me this cool  purple amethyst necklace. I found out I officially owe the IRS over 800 bucks in back taxes, ohhh yeah.

It's ups and downs lately. I could use a boost. I'm thinking..orgasm?...hmm maybe just a job. I'd take that. I called the manager at Whole Foods and tried not to sound too desperate.

I need another outlet. Another mode of expression. I got my glow lights and am enjoying them but something is missing. I'm thinking...orgasm?... just kidding.

Oh Yoko

"what's a mind? 
no matter.
what's matter?
nevermind!"
-Golden Wade, an old friend :)








I had an absolutely crappy day but somehow right as I was about to feel sorry for myself Tasha started chatting with me and rather than mourn over my pint of ice cream we reminisced. *Smile


Also, award shows make me uncomfortable. They are so awkward. I'm sorry but Nicole Kidman is an over Botoxed scary Stepford wife. Someone unplug her and recycle her with the rest of the antiquated first generation robots. Also, I love Natalie Portman but her emotionally charged, pregnancy induced weepy acceptance speech made me want to throw the remote at the TV. I do like Sandra Bullock though, she is graceful, classy, and funny. Also, I think the King's Speech and The Social Network were the only movies on there that I actually saw. I like Colin Firth's humor. I happened to catch him on the other award show a few months ago where people were trying to be funny. He was funny then too. I like it when people actually articulate their thoughts even when it's hard. you go awkward Englishman!




----Flip!----
*Carpooling is nice, sweet gas relief, if she ends up talking to me about Jesus than that is A-OK with me!
*Oh Yoko, Ohhh Yoko by the Beatles is so pleasant! Ohhh Yoko
*I am so broke! I've applied to a few places. I am holding out for Whole Foods hoping they take me in, just a poor little college educated girl from the streets.
*my boobs are shrinking. It's true, I guess that goes along with fitness. But I liked them, they were the perfect size. It's OK though, so as long as my ass stays shrinking too! :)
*This is fluff but for reals I made an awesome sandwhich today. It had leftover chicken, provolone, lettuce/tomato, and guacamole! YUMMMMM
*I am so happy (except when I am not) but I want to share time with my peoples. I miss you guys. Tears :(
*Yeah, embarassing. I totally forgot to cash out my tab the other night at Sky Bar (alcoholic! LOL) and had to do the call of shame. 


XXXXXXXXcrossed fingersXXXXXXXXXXXX
I gotta gotta gotta get a PT job. Pleazzzzzz hire me! I am so awesome! Plezzzz!

It don't mean a Thing if it ain't got that Swing

Yikes, I have mad crazy restless energy now. It's probably a combination of things. Wow, I typed complication instead of combination. I think this implies something too esoteric for me to analyze but probably accurate to my state of mind and this drama life I've been leading recently. It's becoming too much for me to even recall on here. Plus, the ravings of my mind apparently confuse people. Well, people that don't know me, maybe those that do just come to expect it. Either way, the point of this week is that everyone, I mean everyone, is fucked up. I find it comforting because I used to think I was so fucked up, I could never fit in, but that's not true because everyone, as I said....

I am currently operating under the assumption that Dan is either has a twin, an evil one, or that he is bipolar, or that he is totally mind fucking me for his own entertainment. Knowing him is like riding that roller coaster at Disney, Space Mountain, where it's completely dark. The highs are sudden and awesome, the lows are sharp, unpredictable and on both accounts you can't see what is ahead.

My living situation is also a little weird right now. It's not a bad weird necessarily. I just feel helpless sometimes and like I might be in the middle of things I don't, or can't understand. I also sometimes wonder if I am an imposition which is something that frightens me in all my relationship situations. I just know that feeling that I have when someone is taking advantage of my kindness or patience and I don't want to do that to anyone else.

Seth is my best bud, even though I am beyond furious with him right now. I am so angry with him I have vowed, as I have many times before, to give him the silent treatment for an extended period of time.

I went out drinking 2 nights in a row, the first one definitely being the most eventful even though the 2nd was pretty cool because I got to dirty dance with Nich and his boyfriend came this time and seemed like a much cooler person that I recall him being. It was funny, we were doing some silly stuff on the dance floor, but at one point someone stole my red leather jacket that had my stuff in the pockets and I switched on what Nich refers to as my "Cop mode" and I thought I was about to have to pull a bitches earring out in the very least. I searched that place up and down. I was eyeing everyone suspiciously. I secretly hoped someone had the audacity to be holding my jacket. Fortunately (or not, lol) somebody handed it over to Security and the night was salvaged. I love my Nich, it took someone else pointing out what a good friend he is, for me to remember that even though he frustrates me a lot (flaky hippies!) he really IS a great friend.

At Sky Bar, this man was telling me all about his ideas on playing pool. I thought at first he was trying to pick me up, but then I realized he was just a floater, just as funny/awkward and unconcerned with others opinions of himself as I was attempting to be.

Another thing I like about being in Tucson is there is so much "airy-ness" with a range of New Age platitudes, and sayings, that people seem to say really funny stuff sometimes. There is definitely a "new age scene" sure, but aside from that even the general populace I run into seems pretty open minded and interesting. I always describe myself with a foot firmly planted in both worlds. I like some reality mixed in with my trippy shit, and vice versa. Maybe it's just where my brain is right now. Anyway, the man was pretty funny and made sitting in that bar waiting for Nich's late punk ass to get there not so bad.

I missed my Poi class today, due to a scare lack of funding. Maybe I should just buy a DVD and be self taught....I don't know, I really like the social aspect of the class. I am serious about getting back into it. I'm pretty GD frustrated with Seth over his assessment of my life/financial situation right now, as if he has business to talk. I cut back MANY aspects of what I would prefer to be spending money on so that I am able to do some things and improve my quality of life. For instance, I rarely if ever pick up a bite to eat anywhere. I made my own food, pack lunches and snacks. I don't shop, except at Goodwill on a sale day once every couple months. If I go to the movies it's only on Dollar Day. And I busted my ass applying for some jobs that I got totally the cold shoulder on. That being said I am beyond broke and need to recommit myself to getting a shitty job, especially now that the IRS wants me to pay $800 for 2009 when my wages were below poverty level. Yeah, that makes sense to me???!!

Mike is having a Wellness Weekend so the house is abuzz right now and I have carved out my private little corner. I spent 2 hours studying this morning at Epic Cafe. Yeah, and I am such a big spender, I felt like I should get something so I got a 80 cent coffee. (Insert mal ojo at Seth here)
Studying is hard to do hungover but I still feel like I learned something. The overall theme of this section is: GETTING OLD SUCKS. I'm going to just plan on clocking out before I become Geriatric cause WoW. My poor grandparents, I understand what is going on in their bodies a lot more now. Gee whiz..

My eyeballs hurt but I gotta study, and apply for a job. What'll it be today? I'm thinking maybe Starbucks, there seems to be a lot of those, and supposedly that don't pay all that bad. Evil Corp here I come!

High/Low lights

This week has been madness, chaos, miscommunication, and nauseating!

I am not even going to go into the bad parts, so I highlight the good. Today while doing my weekly volunteer with the BLM I ran into an old semi-buddy, one of the Rangers who I used to have a raging crush on. I actually asked him out when I first got back to Tucson and he declined. And by declined I mean, was unresponsive. So whatever. I am so over it. You turn ME down? Estupido! What is it, as soon as I am no longer interested now he might be? Either that or he feigns it for his own entertainment. Crazy mofo. Whatever, I am glad I got to run into him, if for nothing else he gets to see what he'll be missing out on.

Also, I went to my first Sweedish massage class which was very very interesting. It's good though, I mean, I've never spent that much time kneading a strangers gluteus before but I'm down for the education. After all, he then had to give my gluteus some attention. In my FIRM opinion, pun intended, everyone's gluteus could use some more attention!

I haven't studied AT ALL and I have a big test on Tuesday. To be fair, I have had my textbook lying open on the bed for days, only just a few inches from my head. So if it's possible that osmosis exists I might actually know at least something, prolly not tho.

The Dan issue was driving me into being a pathetic, sad woman again and I had to bust that shit up because I no longer accept that form of weakness in myself. I called and confronted him, learning that when he called me it was to invite me along but somehow I didn't give him the chance to and he felt awkward. Lame excuse but alright sure. I don't even care, I'm over it. I told him my thoughts and he seemed receptive enough, albeit super weird. Why do I go for such weirdo's?! Anyway, apparently then I fucked up. He asked me over and I told him I couldn't come. There was no good reason, I just wanted about to bounce on his beacon call like that. He texted me to come over, that he needs me to. And I ignored the text completely. Whatever, I already said I couldn't that night so why repeat myself?

Anyway, I just got off the phone with him, a day later, and it was totally bazaar. He actually started out the conversation calling me an asshole. No joke. I'm an asshole apparently for having ignored his text. Whoa. He gets to blow me off on Sunday, not contact me since then, practically ignore my texts, and I'M the ass? Yeah, I told him basically 1. I'm sorry, I don't know you that well and I didn't realize how important it was to you. 2. You aren't exactly sending me positive messages about liking me when you call me an asshole 3. (most important point) you don't want to start an argument with me because you do not know who and what you will be getting into.

Sometimes, things with Dan can be so intense I feel like we're already in a relationship. This is absolutely not cool. I'm looking for fun, meaningful fun, light hearted, happy times. Fool need to check himself 'for he wreck hisself. I'ma have to lay it down on him before this goes any further which, at this point, I will not allow. We need to reach some sort of mutual understanding. He better not be expecting no Kool Aid cause that just got went out the window for a while soon as he thought he could come to me so soon with calling me an asshole. I don't think he was in full possession of his brain at that moment.

Anyway, I wanted to go to Sky Bar with Janka tomorrow and then maybe hookah or dancing but Dan wants to go to Phoenix for a massage class. It might be fun. I don't know exactly. I'd rather not go but I'm open to it since it seems like a big deal to him. We'll see.

The point is, nothing goes ideally in this world. Nothing. So you take the good where you can find it and don't expect too much. Seth delighted me by giving me a drunk dial the other night in which he recounted his entire day and his night at the bar where he had fallen in love with his bartender. I understood about 1 out of every 5 words he said.

And I went rollerblading today which is always good. By far and wide the best fuckin news of the week is I got some glow poi! I am so elated over this development! I gots my glow poi! I gots my glow poi!

Well, I just had my first Sweedish massage class and it went well. My partner, Mark, was a nice man and not gross which was good. Cause you never know when you are about to rub down a naked stranger how that's going to go. But it was good. He gave me a good massage also.

I finally broke down and called Dan

Father

Dear Daddy,

I have been thinking a lot lately. I always think a lot. Anyway, I feel intrinsically myself for the first time in a very, very long time. There is much I would like to share with you and much I would like to make you understand. But I have come to the realization that it isn't possible to do so. Even trying exhausts me. I hope that you are proud of me, even though there isn't much tangible to be proud of. 

I have been meaning to email you but it's always intimidating because I set a lofty goal for myself. I will formulate an entire, organized, articulate email in my head while I am driving to school or in my Pilates class. When it comes time to actually type it I can't conjure up the same images. I want you to see what is in my head, if only for a moment.

Lately, I have a reoccurring image of a staircase floating in the ocean. I have been tenuously climbing this staircase for many years as it rocks with the waves and currents. Now I look down and see that I am stepping off of the staircase. I made it to the top and am leaving it behind. It floats in the ocean. A tall, awkward staircase. The waves clap against the boards. 

I am the happiest I have ever been in my adult life. I still feel anxiety, doubt, waves of sadness, lonlieness, heartache, and general malaise. But I own those. It's part of me and my experience. It does not own me. It's no longer what is in control. I'm glad I have done what I have done. I was going through the motion of adventure without fully embracing all aspects of it. Now, I feel confident. I'm ready. That much I know. Ready for what? That is the question. I have no idea. Ha!

I am healthy, strong, fortunate, niave, and stubborn. No one defines me. No one will ever really know the whole of me. The best thing is to live to one's own standards. Live for yourself. Not that attachments shouldn't be made. But the present shouldn't consist of everything you need to do in order to secure your future. The present isn't the future. That future is a mirage if you approach life that way.

I don't if this is the email is intended for you. Maybe it's more for myself. Maybe I am tired of trying to communicate something definite to you, only to feel as if you do not hear me or am missing my point. I am sure you feel the same when talking to me. Perhaps, you understand more than you let on. Perhaps you feel more than you convey. Where is the outlet? Where is the stage? I feel like you look around and only see negatives. You live in an idealistic world that does not exist. I can blur the edges, a trick of my mind. I can turn my head the other way. It's harder for me than it seems to be for my peers but we adapt. I learn to adapt. I can't change the circumstances, I can only change me. I don't know how things should be, I just know how they are. Where is your place? How can you claim it's the life you lead now? How can you say that is what you have carved for yourself? If it's what you say, your dogs, house, and river trail then why when you speak it's of what lies on the other side, over the borders? The cat crap castle neighbors, the arrogant bikers that rip apart your carefully crafted trail, the corrupt police, etc..?

Do you see yourself in me? Am I braver than you? Am I doing what you wish you could? Do you see my childlike innocence.. My freckled giggles? Or do you see all the mistakes I have made. Are my stumbles what defines me in your eyes? Are you so adept at seeing the negatives that is all you see in me anymore? 

Do you wish me more practical with steady, sturdy hands put to good use. Or do you see me as an artist of life..a crafter of a storyline?

Do you wish I was smarter? Do you wish I knew what I wanted. Are you waiting to think that I will? Or will you be satisfied if I spend my life trying to find it?

When you die how will I feel your presence? In what will you chose to show your soul? My mother is clever, a sweet angel disguised in the breeze or a butterfly. She is warmth caught in ray of sunshine. She is the sound of laughter on a Sunday morning. She showed me her goodness in life, and therefore it still exists even after death. Where is your goodness? Where is your light? Will I only hear your social commentary? You assessment of the failure of institutions? Why won't you give me some light, something I can hold on to? 

We've become so distant now that I can't even send this to you. 

Love,

Rayna

Notorious

Been around the world and I I I
And we been playa hated [say what?]
I don't know and I don't know why
Why they want us faded [ahehe]
I don't know why they hate us [yeah]
Is it our ladies? [uh-huh]
Or our drop Mercedes [uhh, uhh]
Bay-bee bay-BEE!


So. Yeah, things clearly got out of hand the other night. I mean, OK, in my defense, I am not used to dating! Plus, I think perhaps some women date to find "the one" and I date, well, for fun. So anyway, it does suck because I reallllly like Dan but there wasn't like a pattern or anything really set-up with us. So, I am sort of vulnerable to him right now. All I want is for him to call me but..yeah...I don't know what's up. I mean Friday was amazzzing. 


Mike thinks I should play it cool, be casually hot (his words) next time I see him and act like it's no big deal.


Today I went to my first Poi class and I am really happy with it. It meets only once a week so I need to try and practice between times. Anyway, then I went to Goodwill (killing time hoping Dan would call me, I was on his side of town) and I got some really sexy (not slutty!) clothes for super cheap. My favorite are the shoes I got. They are black wedges and super classic classy. So, the other night Dan said we would hang out Sunday (today) so I thought he would call me...I was getting impatient so I texted him "What are you doing?" and he called me a while later. This is (no joke) the conversation:


R: Hello
D: Hey
R: What are you doing?
D: I am getting ready to go to this thing, it's hard to explain, it's like a workshop with events and some of it is communications and I am going to volunteer and help collect funds, and it''s just, it's weird to explain...
R: Um, you don't have to explain it.
D: Well, the reason I am calling you is to see if you have a card table.
R: Uhhh, no, Mike has some TV trays but no.
D: Oh... (silence)
R: I mean, uhh, he probably has something but I don't know. I am not there right now.
D: You aren't.
R: Yeah, I am not home....
D: OK..... (silence)
R: Well, have fun!
D: (condescending laugh) Yeah OK bye


So fucking awkward. Plus, he wasn't even sweet. And he didn't even mention us hanging out or even invite me. Lame. 


Whatever, I played dress up at home, made food, polished my boots, and then went bowling with Nich as his coworkers. I love my Nich. Every girl should have a sexy, fun, gay friend. Who else are they supposed to talk about penises with?! LMAO! The one bad thing of the night was, I ate french fries. GASP! I haven't eaten fries since October! I am off french fries. I don't even eat potatoes unless they are baked yams. But back to bowling. Shit was funny. My hand is still realllly weak and those balls were heavy! ..That's what she said... I dropped the ball TWICE! The silliest part was I went to throw the ball and ended up falling on top of it! Everyone thought it was highly entertaining. Shit like that used to mortify me. But it was just plain funny. I played super retarded for a while before finally explaining my hand injury. 


Last night I went to Roller Derby with Janka, this Greek/Russian girl. She was cracking me up! She is all obsessed with this guy, Elliott, who is an Elvis impersonator and dresses like him on a daily basis. I met him once before and tried for her benefit not to make eyes at him even though he could be in GQ, sideburns and all..
Anyway, none of the girls got in a fight. There were some elbows, lots of booty shorts over fishnets, tattoos, and beer. It was a good time. I wouldn't mind doing that. I've always wanted to have an excuse to push some bitches around. 

first kisses

Is it after 3 am and I am blogging. Yes. Is it really necessary? Absolutely.

Oh. My. GOD!

Yesterday blew chunks. I won't go into that. But I was pissed because I missed going to the near death meeting that Dan was going to be at. Fine, OK, whatever. Today is a new day.

And it was amazzzing! It's Friday, a day I do not have any committments to school or volunteering (for now) and so I went rollerblading by the river. Yes, technically it is a river and there is water. Just not that much, but enough to support ducks! So, that was awesome, especially because the sky looked really cool today. And the temperature was perfect. I love wearing shorts and a T shirt and being comfortable but not sweating.

So then I went to Acupuncture which has been long overdue. I love Serena, but the other girl, Kristina, I like her as a person but she does not have the same skills, no sir, not by any stretch. Still, it was nice. They are trying out this new sound therapy thing and it was interesting.

So then I go downtown to the Sky Bar to watch the fire spinners. I really need to get back into that. They were OK, clearly passionate but there was something missing. It wasn't edgy enough. You're dancing with fire for goodness sake. Still, very enjoyable. Then I hung out at Antigone Books. Dan texted me to come over so I did, and wouldn't you know, how convenient that I was only a block away *wink, wink.

So, he made me this to die for sandwhich and I watched him eat raw salmon with capers and Wasabi crackers. We talked for ever. Of course it was beyond intense, it always is with him. I hate that he is so good at picking me apart so quickly. He is very perceptive and probably the best communicator I have ever met. He is also a highly skilled.....Wait, wait. Seriously, a HIGHLY fuckin SKILLED kisser/massager/leave me wanting more-er. It took such a valiant effort for me to peel myself away. I mean, I don't think anyone realizes. It's worse even than being a teenager because now people actually know what they are doing! Oh my goddd!

TMI?

Then go away.

LOL. But really. I am on Cloud 9. I don't know where this will go and I don't care because I know it's positive and I trust him completely. And he inspires me. And he is a good kisser. And so much more.
Don't be gross, that's not what I meant. I have to keep my dignity, or as he said my feminine mystique.


Oh yeah and you should watch Yuta, this guy is the best poi dancer I have ever seen and I have watched a lot of videos.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VCcLZUT81Lw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ilfvH6souuQ&feature=related

Catharsis: in light of the future, the past revisited

This is going to be an EPIC entry. It just came pouring out and in typing it I was given really meaningful clarity on some things.

_______________________________________________

I used to be in a bad way. I guess that was me struggling against total disillusionment. Things happened so fast in college, too fast for me to enjoy them. I was unhappy and self destructive. I did not know how to treat myself and how to embrace my body or sexuality. I did not know how to communicate and feel solidarity in friendships without feeling the need for them to understand my unhappiness, my tormenting recent past that I carried with me everywhere. 

That being said it was the most creative time of my life. My brain was open and I was constantly learning. I was constantly thinking and trying to apply words to my thoughts. I did not simply pick the easier words. I made up metaphors if nothing else. "I was floating today, in his presence. I was on a roller coaster with no seat. Every time he smiled we were lifted. The butterflies in my stomach were drunk and dizzy. I got caught in a ray of sunshine." This is how I talked in 2006. I know because I have proof.

Losing Jenna from my life was an ordeal. I had autonomy with her that could have been mostly fabricated on my part because I was so thirsty for it. I went up against life issues post graduation and gradually became more and more disillusioned. My creativity waned. Wes became my project. My career seemed unrewarding and pointless. I kept having the desire to better myself, the thought of going back to school but I never could commit because it was never something that I knew would pay off and I couldn't be let down again. I stopped trying. I started eating. I watched too much Netflix, poured my heart into Journey and Wes. 

Now, in the company of impassioned people, I realize how apathetic I've become. I think I released a lot of my youthful volatility in order to persevere. It's easier for some than others. I've never known myself. Ever. What constants I have in my life I have kept at arms length, unable to fully embrace them so as to avoid the pain when they are no longer there. 

I've made bad decisions in choices of people I would cling to like a barnacle, trying to convince myself they would not abandon me.

One good thing, I guess from all this, is I am completely able to recognize it and talk about it without being emotional, without it taking over. I guess that is something. 

I feel like I have taken hibernation from really growing.

Here is something I wrote in early '06:

poem dedicated to Ativan

Life. Love. The man up above. Who the hell knows?

My mom is gone, my dad is mad at being alive

My roommate is troubled and my puppy is sick

Everyday I think I’ll be inspired again in what used to be

And I sit here complacently

Is this what it feels like to be ‘normal’?

Am I finally on a conventional wavelength?

I am noting these things because they came from me. It's crazy, it's like getting to know a stranger but then that stranger is actually yourself and was there all along. Sometimes now, when I almost say something, I think, "this is what a stoner would say" and I leave it. For a long time, my friends still thought I smoked and abused pills. I wasn't though, that thought/stuff was just inside of me. There was no application for it's existence and eventually I shed it on my quest to become a grown up. 

This is the last, and most resonant poem of mine I found. Its really unbelievable I think. I can't believe that I wrote this.

Shattered

Is it over and done? 

I so badly wanted there to be a "one" 

I wanted it to be you

I wanted to hope

As it turned out, I guess this is God's joke

I'm not strong enough to be your guide, not when from you sometimes I must hide. 

Your love turned out to be a lie. And isn't it obvous the next rhyme ends in cry? 

I thought you'd embrace me and our experiences would be shared

But of course, back to normal me: Alone and Scared 

I sit in my closet hiding from no one, sit on my couch contemplating "done" 

I hide so much. I hide from the echo of betrayal and now it's come back around

I'm like lightning, alone in the night, surrounded by people full of fright

I choose to open up ever so intimately to people who don't know I overanalyze their sentimentality

Why does everything on earth die and wither away but i can't forget the words I've often heard you say? 

Is the only thing that lasts remembrance of the past? 

I know I'll find another relationship and some things will be the same, but I'll never again hope to seek a man to which I stake my claim

Gradually we lose that hope that burned inside

Sooner or later, our innocence gets taken with the tide

What's left when your strength is gone? 

Oh well, I guess everyone just moves on

_____________________________________________

In this space a conclusion belongs. 

Catharsis

I used to be in a bad way. I guess that was me struggling against total disillusionment. Things happened so fast in college, too fast for me to enjoy them. I was unhappy and self destructive. I did not know how to treat myself and how to embrace my body or sexuality. I did not know how to communicate and feel solidarity in friendships without feeling the need for them to understand my unhappiness, my tormenting recent past that I carried with me everywhere.

That being said it was the most creative time of my life. My brain was open and I was constantly learning. I was constantly thinking and trying to apply words to my thoughts. I did not just pick the easiest words. I made up metaphors if nothing else. "I was floating today, in his presence. I was on a roller coaster with no seat. Every time he smiled we were lifted. The butterflies in my stomach were drunk and dizzy. I got caught in a ray of sunshine." This is how I talked in 2006. I know because I have proof.

Losing Jenna from my life was a huge deal. I had an autonomy with her that could have been mostly fabricated on my part because I was so thirty for it. I went up against life issues post graduation and gradually became more and more disillusioned. My creativity waned. Wes became my project. My career seemed unrewarding and pointless. I kept having the desire to better myself, the thought of going back to school but I never could commit because it was never something that I knew would pay off and I couldn't be let down again. I stopped trying, I started eating. I watched too much Netflix, poured my heart into Journey and Wes.

Now, in the company of impassioned people, I realize how apathetic I've become. I think I released a lot of my youthful volatility in order to persevere. It's easier for some than others. I've never known myself. Ever. What constants I have in my life I have kept at arms length, unable to fully embrace them so as to avoid the pain when they are no longer there.

I've made bad decisions in choices of people I would cling to like a barnacle, trying to convince myself they would not abandon me.

One good thing, I guess from all this, is I am completely able to recognize it and talk about it without being emotional, without it taking over. I guess that is something.

I feel like I took a hibernation from really growing.

Here is something I wrote in early '06:

poem dedicated to Ativan

Life. Love. The man up above. Who the hell knows?

My mom is gone, my dad is mad at being alive

My roommate is troubled and my puppy is sick

Everyday I think I’ll be inspired again in what used to be

And I sit here complacently

Is this what it feels like to be ‘normal’?

Am I finally on a conventional wavelength?

I am noting these things because they came from me. It's crazy, it's like getting to know a stranger but then that stranger is actually yourself and was there all along. Sometimes now, when I almost say something, I think, "this is what a stoner would say" and I leave it. For a long time, my friends still thought I smoked and abused pills. I wasn't though, that stuff was just inside of me. There was no application for it's existence and eventually I shed it on my quest to become a grown up. 

This is the last, and most resonant poem of mine I found. Its really unbelievable I think. I can't believe that I wrote this.

Is it over and done? 

I so badly wanted there to be a "one" 

I wanted it to be you

I wanted to hope

as it turned out, I guess this is God's joke

I'm not strong enough to be your guide, not when from you sometimes I must hide. 

Your love turned out to be a lie. And isn't it obvous the next rhyme ends in cry? 

i thought you'd embrace me and our experiences would be shared. 

but of course, back to normal me: Alone and Scared 

i sit in my closet hiding from no one, sit on my couch contemplating "done" 

I hide so much. I hide from the sound of betrayal and now it's come back around

I'm like lightning, alone in the night, surrounded by people full of fright

i choose to open up ever so intimately to people who don't know I overanalyze their sentimentality

why does everything on earth die and wither away but i can't forget the words i've often heard you say? is the only thing that lasts remembrance of the past? 

i know i'll find another relationship and some things will be the same, but i'll never again hope to seek a man to which i stake my claim

gradually we lose that hope that burned inside

sooner or later, our innocence gets taken with the tide

what's left when your strength is gone? 

oh well, i guess everyone just moves on

Nothing ventured, Nothing gained

I have had an absolutely crazy week. And today itself was CRAZY!

So, let me tell you. This whole David thing blew up, I mean exploded in my face, in a matter of just a few days. He is a very troubled man with a case of alcoholism and PTSD. I've never experienced anything like that in my life. I tried to sort of deal with it, maybe change what kind of relationship we could have. But he was having no part of it. I would tell him goodnite and I would awake 8 hours later with 20+ texts waiting to be read on my phone or in my gmail. It was like he couldn't rest, couldn't be away from me. And it was totally bazaar because we really did not know each other. I tried to apologize to him for whatever I had done to lead him into thinking we were that serious but he just got angrier. I won't go into the stalker thing because it still hasn't completely sunk it but I was left with no other option than file a police report on him which I did today. Part of me feel terrible for him, he really needs help. To a normal person this shouldn't be a big deal (being turned down) but to him it was all encompassing. Nothing else existed and his mind is clearly unwell. I feel so bad, but I also feel relieved to not be carrying that burden anymore.

ANYway, also today I got a call from Dan to come over. Thank goodness, I was waiting on him to call me. I invited him to something the other night but got turned down, boo, so it was his turn. Anyway, I just spent the past 6 hours with him. A thought popped into my head while getting ready for bed a few minutes ago. The best dates are the ones you didn't realize were dates until they are already done.
I think that might have been a date. But it was perfect, if in fact it was. It was the prefect, I am not pressuring you, I am just getting to know, and may actually like you, but either way I am going to treat you like a lady, date. *whew* but really this is one to remember. It was so, exactly what I needed, especially after CrazyDavid.

So, I was at Wal Mart when Dan texted me. I was starving but I rushed to get over there to catch the movie on time. I packed a granola bar in case I couldn't make it and started trying to eat my hand or something. I would have normally thought about what I was wearing but I was in a hurry so I just went as was which was a summer dress that I have owned for years but have never looked so good in as I do now (if I do say so myself, lol) but anyway I had that on, it's short and the front is a V cut and tight around the boobies. I was "out there" and I had my boots on. Anyway, we rushed to this hippie enclave where mattresses are strewn about, a sheet is hanging from the ceiling to show movies on, and the walls are covered in art clearly down under the influence. I shouldn't talk about what the film was about here but it was interesting. Anyway, it was over and I was like  "I will eat this fucking carpet if we don't go get something for dinner right this second" So, we go over and he decisively tells me it's pizza, he is dropping me off to go in while he goes and parks. This ain't your average shitty pizza place, this was like gourmet, pizza making sweet love to your mouth, kinda pizza place. Anyway, after my mouth and stomach was sufficiently satisfied we walked around downtown. He had plenty to talk about and I love it when a man will do the talking. He took me by a building that he has dreams of owning and told me what he wanted to do with it. We went by another hippie enclave that is a yoga studio/barber shop. He is going to host a workshop there and wanted to officially approve of the place. So, then we went to a bookstore because he was convinced (in a purely sweet, funny, and nonjudgmental way) that I needed some education on food and what I chose to put in my body (haha). So, he did open the car door for me and close it after I sat. Neither of us made mention of it and I was thinking maybe it was just because he was closer to that side of the car as we walked up. I don't know. But no one has ever done it in such a natural, honoring way before. So, we are hanging out in the bookstore. Never really done that with anyone before but somehow it worked. He was on his aisle and me on mine. His was Spiritual Wellness. Mine was New Age and Cultural Trends. At one point he came and sat right next to me on the floor, we switched books, I looked through his and he through mine which was funny because I was reading "Sex Signs: Every Woman's Astrological and Psychological Guide to Love, Men, Sex, Anger, and Personal Power" which I THOROUGHLY RECOMMEND. So he is all nonchalantly reading about my sign. And I begin reading "The Male Brain" which is also very good. I especially like the section about little boys obsessions with their penises. Anyway, we go one for a while and then we get kicked out because it was closing, lame. We go back to his place and he begins to cook himself dinner but I am not hungry, plus I want to read this book so I am chilling, reading one of his books. I was deep into the chapter about Motherhood which really fucking freaks me out. I mean really fucking freaks me out. (for emphasis) FUCKING FREAKS ME....ok you get the message. So, Dan comes up and is like you're cold. I tell him I am fine. He says "You're in a dress." I was like "I have boots on." He throws a fleece over me and walks back to the kitchen saying only "it's like we are in high school." SO, after a bit I wander into the kitchen begging him to tell me a story because my mind has got to get out of the Motherhood section. He tells me this amazing story about meeting Bono at this concert shortly after he left the Navy. Basically, he was crowd surfing, yeah, and a bouncer pulled him down and was grabbing him. He was like right next to the stage. Bono see's pulls him onto the stage and says "What do you want?" and Dan says "to have a good time." So, Bono instructs him that they are going to pray together, which they did for a full minute, at least. And then they stand up, hug, and Dan gave him his Navy Academy ring and said "give this to Edge!" and Bono nods. The inside of the ring is engraved: Nothing ventured, Nothing gained

Anyway, the night winds down, especially when it came that awkward getting to know you time where the person discovers my past. I really abstain from telling people my Mom is dead. I almost never do actually, even if they say something presuming she is alive. I don't correct them because then they want to know about it. Which would be fine except for then people treat me differently, not always, but it's happened a few times and been very unpleasant for me. But I figured, he can know, and I was very brief but he was inquisitive. It isn't in my nature to say something like "I'd rather not talk about it." Because I appreciate peoples honesty expressed in the form of concern so I did mention a few highlights which made me sad. Not sad like I used to me, not upset, not visibly disturbed, just melancholy and quiet with glazed over eyes and a lack of movement. It's a bazaar occurrence that I am completely unaware of until it's far too late. That part of the night I regret but whatever, it was fine. He told me some stuff about Yoga and I called it a night. He was so sweet, just gave me a nice smile but did not try and make it weird, or do a goodbye. It was just "see ya next time." and that smile.

*sigh*

I am trying really hard not to let myself like this guy too much. But I like him right now. And when I wake up tomorrow and it's Valentine's Day, I am pretty sure I will be cured and think of only my Grandpa as my Valentine. He, by the way, agreed that he could handle the responsibility of having 2 Valentines this year: me and my Gma.