Autumn (post from October 2013)

The fall has found me with a decent looking, if not pretty nice looking, garden that I don't have any time to maintain and commuting (at least so far) down to Hillsboro TX 4 days a week. It's about 125 mile round trip through the last suburbs of South Dallas through rolling farmland. The most exciting part of the drive is that (so far) I've been borrowing my Grandmother's Impala and it can go pretty fast and slick. I don't throw caution to the wind completely but I enjoy putting the petal to the metal. Also, there is a place I've passed a billion times through my life and have never stopped to figure out what it is. It looks to be a house along the interstate with massive peices of "artwork" out in the yard on display. For ages it has been an Indian Head made with hundreds of peices of small wood to give it dimension. Now they have 3 frogs out. 2 of which look to be in a drunken dance with each other, not even slightly aware of the rest of the world.

Other than that, "they" (being the man, the managers, or whatever you want to call the local Wal-Mart overlords) have put my insurance kiosk in the most obscure and pathetic place in the store. The only silver lining being that I am near outlets and have the technology to thwart the internet from my smartphone to my computer, thereby allowing me the escape of the internet to pass the time.

The world is quite literally passing me by. In Wal-Mart the people pass, most of whom avoid eye contact with me like I will steal their soul. And everything else. While I am in this purgatory waiting to make money. Hoping with my entire being that this time will pay off, sitting all these months working without pay and holding out hope for the future other people's lives around me continue to develop. People fall in love, obtain their careers, get married, have children, grow their families. They invest in their future.

And I invest in my hopes for a future. But it mostly has felt like being stuck in quicksand. There is no solid evidence that this time is being well spent. I use up so much of my energy and life force keeping myself positive and hopeful that it is so exhausting to then have to convince those close to me that this plight is worth it. I justify to you what I can barely justify to myself. It's very hard.

I don't mean to sound so melancholy but it's part of life, and often times it is what drives me to write/type/blog and lament.

One day I want to have stability and a beautiful little face to constantly remind me how precious life is as the little one discovers every new thing day after day. I'm ready for certain things in my life. But I just have to be patient, ever patient. I am reminded of patience everyday as I drive down to this town and back home everyday telling myself it was worth the gas money. It was worth the time. Everything is coming together, you just can't see it yet.

Advice for Bleach Bathing (9 Steps to a Successful Bleach Body!)

 

1. Take a deep breath. It is important you do this before the bleach gets opened. Open your mind, as this is your life now. Start off with thinking of this as a fun and relaxing bubble bath. Your skin and nerves will be soothed! Recommended is a bleach with a scent, I prefer lavender.

2. Make sure there are no important clothing or towels or bath mats you don't mind being exposed to bleach. (You know, because this shit will forever alter its color but it supposedly great medicine for your delicate skin.)

3. Mix the proper ratio of bleach to tub. DO NOT overdo it on the bleach. Also, don't make the water too hot.

 

4. After the bath make sure to rinse as if you are a HAZMAT danger zone. Get all of that stuff off!!!

5. Rinse again. Just do it. Do it with less fervor than above but with a healthy amount of gusto.

6. Do not towel dry. Simply pat your skin. It should remain DAMP.

7. Immediately (meaning less than 30 seconds after patting dry) apply moisturizing cream. NO-- not lotion. Get that out of your mind completely. It's gotta be CREAM and it has to be put on thick while the skin is damp. I recommend CeraVe moisturizing cream. Don't fall victim to marketing promises of special mixtures of oils and scents. That part of your life it over. Keep it simple and dermatologist recommended.

8. After completing this routine a handful or so of times you might notice it's becoming time consuming and wasting a lot of water. Congratulations, you have graduated into spray bottles!!!! You may now wet skin, spray bleach, complete super rinse, etc...

This should save you a lot of time. 

9. Try not to think of yourself as a sink or a bathtub. True, you might feel like you are cleansing yourself from potions you keep under the counter but re frame your thinking. You're a beautiful "bleach body", a special kind of human with a special epidermis.

P.S. IMPORTANT-- Don't use soap. Never use soap. I said, never ever use soap!!! This is a different world. A soapless world. OK on second thought, be a Johnny Rebel, use some soap. Do this that way you will see why you never have to do it again. 

If, for some reason, you can use soap and it not keep you awake at night scratching your soul to the surface of your skin then by all means, use the damn soap. But keep it mind you are a "wannabe" You want to have a special epidermis. But you aren't...."You aren't a "bleach body." If you can use soap AND bleach you don't need the bleach. You don't need it. Go back to your normal life!

(Yes, this is under the direction of a dermatologist)

Paralyzed By The Process

Do you think an author, say a writer, thinks it out and then basically knows more or less where he is going with the story he is writing?

Or do you think he is getting to know the characters and thinking of them as he is writing, not knowing where he is going, and then sees where his loose thoughts take him. It gets cleaned up later to make a story. Because I think thats more like it. But I think also a lot of people out there live as if they know the story or have an idea. Sometimes I say “I can't be accountable for the shit that comes out of my mouth” and it makes the person laugh, sure, but part of that really resonates with me. I never know where I am going. I am completely unable to basically “plan” certain parts of my life that I think not only do other people have more control over themselves, but I feel I am really lacking, like I SHOULD be able to grab hold of something.

Ever since a kid I've felt this way and I go from one hypothesis to the next during my phases of life and discovery. For a long time I attributed it to being an only child and I still basically do, but maybe its more than that. By brain has all of this knowledge and there is this certain responsibility that society has engrained in us that the knowledge is what you need ...to succeed.

But that doesn’t work for me. I KNOW--yet I cant bring myself to take certain steps.

Charlie wants to get from point A to point B. Through years of education, I know a general guideline for that. Charlie needs to do x, then x, then x... he should arrive at B.

So a friend needs advice, and I tell him, “Oh yeah, thats like fucking
Charlie. Basically, you gotta do x, then x, then x.” And I am all self satisfied. Look what a big help I was!

Yet when it comes down to me I don’t do the x's. I know what they are. It's like ...I guess I am just not to the point in my life that point B is so important it warrants the x's. I will fucking change my attitude on B (a form of regression I think) to avoid the x's.

Other times I find myself in very responsible situations and I ask myself “How did I get here??” as if I had nothing to do with it. Somehow through all the shit (other alphabet letters like W or A) that I have been focusing on, I've also managed to somehow add enough of the x's that I've gotten somewhere.

And I look around, like, “Shit! What do I do now?!” I have arrived at this point...and it never feels satisfying. Like it's not this “I-have-arrived” feeling; the “Yes! Score! I have reached by goal, point B!”

Fuck no! It's like, there are always more points looming on the horizon. And I feel like so many of them are decided by other forces than myself.

But I didn’t decide this. I didn’t chose to be this. I just am.

I think therefore I am. . .Where the fuck am I going with this?

I think I had some vague point* (agh, fucking word!) at the beginning of this. Something about how I feel a certain amount of non control for my aimlessness and that in itself is a weakness.

I was brushing my teeth and I directed myself to go into the computer room and type. Something will come out. It's been too long since you’ve expressed yourself, Rayna.

And I think my hypothesis whas that other folks have (a purpose, a point)...well, let me give an example.

An event happens that is worthy within itself, or sets into actions other events that bring up thoughts and somewhere along that journey a person decides that they need to share that. Whether anyone sees it or not. They blog it.

But me, I just...I mostly just, I mostly feel lost almost all of the time.

This has been the major theme of my 20s. Searching for something but feeling so hopelessly lost.

I always said, “I ain’t bringing that shit with me into my 30s. Thats fucking nonsense, that shit has got to stay back there where it sort of belongs.”

So I knew I'd end up here, where i am, with the grandparents in this house. In Irving Texas doing (or attempting to do) some kind of profession.

And for a the first year I was like “I'm HOME” that was huge for me! I felt at home, finally.

But I've been noticing I don’t really feel that way anymore, now that I am “used” to it. Accustomed to it.

I am ready to go but I don’t know where. I needed desperately to GO which I did in the past. I went (place to place across the west).

And I know that no matter the moments I received, experiences that added to who I am, beautiful poignant fucking things that happened, I never really FOUND whatever the fuck it is I felt like I needed to find.

And I guess that is basically L_I_F_E-- coping with these crazy feelings.

Maybe thats why people cling to certain religions. (And my that I mean anything they are basically indoctrinated in, whether it be a lifestyle choice like drinking or church going and the gospel, hallelujah!

This is getting too fucking deep (Like my buddy Rene says); beyond my ability to articulate.

I feel like time is moving so slow this summer. It's obscenely slow and painful like swimming in quicksand. I feel trapped. Among other things, lonely etc. I feel fucking paralyzed. In the past, I would DO SOMETHING, go for a walk, ride a bike, etc. just move my fucking body.

But today I can't move. I just can't move to save my life. It's not even a slovenly, lazy day where I watch TV shows all day and gorge on Nutella crackers. No, screw that, I am literally paralyzed.

I’ve been battling this all week or longer. But it was strong this week and I've earnestly tried distracting myself to shake myself out of it. But this morning I woke up to my alarm and it was raining outside. I felt so peaceful; one the rare times I felt rested. I wander into the kitchen to see Gma and Gpa at the table and Gpa smiles so I smile back and he teases me a sleepy head. But it wasn’t just the normal Gpa teasing.

“Welcome here. This is reality. This is whats real. This is whats going on. Come out of your fog. The other dimension isn’t real.”

….and I was so touched. I was deeply touched by that. Still am, tears form as I type.

I am eating breakfast across from Gpa with the annoying fucking kitchen TV blaring in the background, really so loud it's the foreground too. I hate that fucking TV because I hate it and I hate morning TV. I don't hate mornings, its not that. I just hate morning TV!

So, Gpa talking to whoever, if anyone, is listening as per usual. Talking about his COPD and trying to understand it. Same thing. So much that this week I printed out a long document with graphics complete with intermittent quiz questions about COPD. As I watched him toying with the edges of the papers, I heard myself saying to him “Gpa, what does the D stand for? What does the D stand for?”

-well I now know and thank you so much because its part of 3 things: emphysema, asthma, and chronic bronchitis

“Yes, that right but what does the D of COPD stand for?” He scans the papers, doesn’t know the answer. I point it out. Top sentence. He reads it.

-Oh, disease. “Yeah”---pause--- “disease.”

I proceed to tell him about how you don’t get rid of a disease. A disease is a permanent condition. I told him to look at me in the eyes. I said, “It doesn’t get better Gpa, you might have good days, some better than others. But this gets worse and worse. Until...”

He nods, thinking about what I am saying. But being the cute pie Gpa that he is...He is saying things like “Until I croak, ok I get it, well ....”

and then he is bargaining with himself. He's lived a long time he says, he recognizes now, these past few weeks, that this is the end that it will be this that causes it. He says Sally has COPD, so does some other people he knows or knew. Then he says, “But thats all I know-thats all I know- I had to work, had to make a life. I couldn’t just not work. I tried to do other stuff besides printing (the fumes are what caused all of this) I never did smoke. Wasn’t a smoker. I wasn’t a drinker. I just worked. I tried to pick cotton”

Laughing, Gma chimes in, “That lasted one day!”

Gpa says, “It lasted one hour!” He quickly found out that was not for him.

The conversation goes back to COPD and the ailments and symptoms; the lifestyle... Straying toward talk of medication and what he take that would make it better, make it go away...

I told him “Gpa, look at me. There is nothing else. You are already taking it. We are already doing what we can. This is it.”

COPD is the 3^rd leading cause of death. I mentioned that at some point during the day.

He mentioned how insufferable it would be to die that way, being chocked out of oxygen, not able to breathe. And I acknowledged him, saying “I know I have seen it first hand” and he nodded asking “Oh, you have?” but I didn’t answer. Of course I have, so has he. The night my mom died. Like a fish out of water gasping for air. Do they remember? Maybe. But I will never bring it up again, not the specific graphics. Not the images. Not the image of me closing her eyes. No, I mention only enough and only at times to prove a point.

So Gpa knows. He can continue pretending every few days not to have the first clue what COPD is and whats wrong with him. But he knows. He doesn’t even have dementia is the thing. Thats the thing I am seeing that makes this so hard.

In my understanding, a person with dementia is completely out there at times that they don’t know whats going on. He knows though. What I am seeing is a psychological coping mechanism.

And I guess, maybe thats why I have been paralyzed. But I only just realized that. I didn't start out wanting to write a blog about my Gpa's COPD or even about my paralyzing feelings as of late.

I didn’t know where it would go. I only know it now that I am here. I could have talked about the lesbian at the waxing salon and those funny stories. Or the plants I worked on today in the garden. Or the dog and her cute antics.

Earlier, when I was showering, I felt like I needed a reason to feel like a slug. Like a garbage ridden slug. For a moment, I blamed it on Wes. Because he called me today and we talked for the first time in a long time and many months after I informed him that, in the future, I don’t wish to call myself his “friend”

But its not Wes' fault. He was pleasant and jovial. Sure, my stomach knots up. Sure, I feel the rejection come back. Wes' past rejection mixing with the most recent rejection blending together to create some hybrid feeling of not being good enough.

But really, its no one's fault. Not even my own I guess.

I blame myself a lot.

I blame myself, in part, because of things …. knowing about x, then x, then x. 

Midnight Radio

Taking a moment to check myself, river swirls, summer lovers past and present

So, my grandmother asks me what time I will be getting up in the morning. I tell her I am going to get up at 5:45 am and workout. And her jaw falls so far I could see her tonsils! Gma! What the hell?! I know I have gotten lazy compared to this time last year but damnnnn....

So, then I get a text from Rene about how tomorrow is the one year anniversary of his move to Dallas.

Which got me thinking about last year, for both him and I as one year ago we were in similar situations starting the same position for that bastard company which shall not be named. We went through the same insane training and bullshit.

And at that time I got up and took Journey on a morning jog in the neighborhood, took a shower, and went to work. At 7:30!

I was so positive, I had come back from Greece unhappy that I was back in a way defeated but in another way still feeling all that love that had take over my heart and mind. Residual effects from the whole situation. And a fairy tale it was not. Being in Greece was hard, very very hard! The only light in my life was Miltos and the light he gave me reflected and maybe seemed to shine onto other parts of my life. But really he was the fuel to my fire. And this time last year, I guess, in a way, I hadn't let go of the notion of us being together at some point in the future, around the corner.

And now, all that has worn so thin. In no part to the fault or fumble of my love in Greece. But I am walking in quicksand here. Feeling farther and farther away from the fantasy that I held onto while being in his light.

And I am so lonely. And unhappy. And angry.

I keep blaming it on being broke as a joke...but that isn't it. I've been broke for years!!! I had very small windows of time in my post college life where I have not being completely broke. I smile with pride at those times. It's true I am proud of myself and definietly don't have regrets in the choices I have made. So that's good.

So, getting back to the point, it ain't about being broke. My father looks at me in conversation and I can hear his inner thoughts. He pities me, thinks living here is hell and that I am lying to myself about being able to be happy here.

Jenna invited me to Utopia, TX this past weekend. While there, in between the complete chaos of travel and drunkenness and as always the persistent annoyingness of being around Jenna and Wes as they are infatuated with each other, I had some very surreal grounding moments. Saturday morning seemed to be lazy for the others but I had taken my bike so I rode around town and then to the dam and went swimming in my shorts and tank top. She knows I am at home in the river, any river down there. I don't think many people know that about me unless they have seen it, see what happens to me. It's a religious experience for me. So, I am lying there free and drifting watching the tops of the trees.

And for the first time, I thought, maybe my father is right. Maybe I am unhappy up here.

But my question is, how much of it is geography and how much is the changing circumstances?

How much of it is my new career? How much of it is love lost?

So yeah, I am tired of being tired/sad/helpless/lonely and I am going to get up at dawn and move my body.

And maybe I can start figuring some shit out.

A puzzling contradiction

Hannah is a friend that makes a very quantifiable impact on my life. I have a huge amount of respect and admiration for her. She has without being overtly motherly, given me some important but subtle direction as well. All people are multidimensional and multifaceted. So, she is many things but for the purposes of referencing some of her attributes I think it's fair to give her a few adjectives:
Classy
Sassy
Sweet with a large side of Mean
Funny

I list these first because these are the things which I believe we have most in common.

The other areas of our lives we have very little in common. I guess they are less important in a way, however, because she is one of my best friends (which I believe rotate as needed through the timeline of life) so basically, [disclosure: if you are my friend and reading this just know you are probably also my best friend.]

In any case, I think I've earned the right to call Hannah a bitch. I don't mean the way girls reference that in endearment and giggle like it's some inside joke.

Puh-lease!

I mean Hannah is a Bitch. Telling her this to her face might incur the wrath so I don't go that route. I am however sure that I can say that if Hannah is asked to really think about it, she knows I would describe her this way. What I find amusing and what pleases me about the whole topic is that we could move past that. 

Hannah isn't the type of person to take a situation and turn it into something more than it is. Girl has other things to think about, deal with, and do. Quite frankly, she can be a great friend but if the tides turn she will take it in stride. I feel like she can easily walk away from a lot of relationships (for instance ours). And I get that.

What I DON'T get is her continued resolve to never officially walk away from the relationship of that with her Hubs. Her Hubs is basically the kryptonite to my metaphorical Superman personality. I am against practically everything about him. I mean, he has only a few things going for him. One, he is a man. Two, he provides income. Three, ..shit I got hung up on three.

So, basically, what makes me scratch my head is that Hannah more or less sees him in this very same light.

I am not criticizing her choice to not move on. Trust me. I get that life gets ever so complicated and entangled with time and other factors including, but not limited to, children.

I am only saying, that I don't really get it. It's not representative of who she is. It's just not.

In closing, here is an image from 2007 that, if she knew I was sharing, she would NOT be crazy about. In fact, I can say with certainty that if it was posted on facebook, she would untag herself.

BAM! Kiss!

You kiss your kids, you kiss your spouse. Obviously, in different kinds of ways.

Maybe your spouse kisses you on the cheek when you are cooking supper. It warms your heart. Think about how much the feeling lasts for people who are neglected. The older we age the less that we are touched. Touch somebody.

Kiss your grandparents, not just when you say hello or goodbye. But when they don't expect it. Today, I walked in from the yard to find grandpa had fallen asleep in his chair. AsI walked up he opened his eyes and BAM! I kissed him on the cheek. That'll last him for hours at least!

I walked into the kitchen and Gma was doing her mail and BAM! I kissed her cheek! She *giggled* I made my 80 y/o Gma giggle.

So, stop being so serious all the time.

Pat on the shoulder, touch hands, kiss cheeks!

Just do it!

Warehouse of the Abandoned

My Saturday morning began with my refusal to enter reality, causing me to leave my dream, where I was having a fucking adventure! I am so annoyed by leaving my adventures for something as dull as real life. I usually get over this fairly quickly and am not one of those zombie-like people that take several hours to actually become a functioning human. The morning is the best time to cuddle with my dog, who is now almost 7, and has mellowed significantly. She allows and enjoys dog massage. It's definitely several grades above simple petting. Dog massage is for only a few "special" (read:insane) dog people. Whatever, my dog deserves a good massage.

Entering the kitchen to make coffee I see my Grandma in one of her usual states of mind. It's a unique kind of frenzy basically where by Grandma's brain wheels are spinning so fast I am pretty sure she could produce enough electricity to run the household. When do you think neuroscientists will tap into this kind of source?

Moving on. I helped her fix her calculator, which she had been working on for an hour in vain. Poor thing. I told her if we just look the model up on the internet it will tell us what to do. Without defensiveness, just matter of factly, she reminds me that, during her day people had to figure things out with their mind. Which is true. I give her some serious credentials. Woman can build a house and do a billion other useful tasks with pure willpower. After solving the calculator issue I ate some cereal at the table talking to my Grandma about how she belonged in the pioneer Manifest Destiny days. She would totally roll with the punches. And by punches I guess I mean cholera, mountains, creeks, broken wheels, sick animals, and squirrel hunting. That type of thing. No problem for Grandma.

Then I mentioned something she has been wanting to do- going to the warehouse of the abandoned. Diatribe about old money, spoiled rich, and quality made home items. There. Covered that. So Grandma simply says, "Well. I'm ready." And she was-of course- she ALWAYS is. Wake Gma up at 3am saying "Gma we have to _____" and she'll say, "Give me 5 minutes." And then she'll be standing at the backdoor looking in after you seeing if you are ready to go yet.

So at the warehouse, which so should be renamed something spectacular and significant, I found that although leaving my previous dreams was crappy I could have some new dreams in these aisles of abandoned EVERYTHING.

As if we did not have enough projects...now we have several more.

While leaving, Gma preferred that I employ a different technique to turn the truck around out of the lot. I said "Your granddaughter knows how to drive a truck." Lately, I have been doing that for some reason. Saying things like "Your granddaughter is one resourceful lady!" and "Your granddaughter's mother didn't raise no fool!"and "Your granddaughter is absolutely NOT planting a photenia tree in this yard!" or "Your granddaughter does not understand the point of ironing sheets!"

A couple weeks ago I lost my job. Well, it's not like I lost it so much as I was fired. And I wasn't so much fired as I was pissed off, aggressive, and quit. It's complicated. Let's move on.

The next day I loathed existence. Nothing meant anything and everything was futile. About 5 days later I got over it, deciding to wash my hair again. In any case, I went outside and stared at the ground for a while. Next thing I know I was up in the tree trying to cut down limbs and branches that did nothing wrong except grow in an angle that made me feel like they deserved to be destroyed. At one point I got down to get a saw also and a pair of gloves for my hands because apparently I was fucking serious.
After some time my Grandma was standing under the tree looking up at me.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm cutting on this tree!"
"I am going to the post office. I'll be back in a little while."
"Ok." I readjust and crotch-climb up higher.
Grandma gets in the car, puts it in reverse. I swing my leg over a knob so I can push out awkwardly at an angle to reach farther. Grandma put it in drive, scoots back up to the tree, rolls down her window and says "Do you need the saw?"
"I already got it."
"Ok, bye." She leaves.

This is my Grandma. Ask Seth. He once witnessed my assignment of limb cutting the pecan tree while on top of the garage. I was satisfied but Gma asks about getting just one more branch. She suggested I get the ladder set up in the bed of my pickup, back in, and climb on top with a POLE SAW.
I looked at Seth's mouth hanging open, eyes big. "Sorry Gma, ain't going to happen." She moves on to the next task of busy work muttering something about how she would do it. And she will. You gotta watch her. That same determination that keeps her going strong also keeps me trailing behind her trying to talk her down off the metaphorical ladder.

Sunshine curls of an angel comes to visit

Just a dream... 


Jenna and I are in a van with no windows, leaving somewhere exotic with mountains in the background but grasslands along the road. The wind is blowing and we are laughing with our heads out of the windows. I'm happy, really happy. Innocently happy like a child. And so I begin to think about Jon-Clay and there he is running along side the van in the tall grass, his blond curls bouncing from his shoulders. He's laughing and we are laughing and Jenna is smiling, thinking "Oh, look, he came to say hello! He came to say Hi!" And I was telling her, "Of course he did. I told you he'll come sometimes. If I think of him he'll come." It wasn't that she didn't believe me. In dreams like this it's that I need her to be with me for her to see him. Either that, or he needs to see her, and he can do it easier when I am with her. I am not sure. Either way it's not quite like "matchmaker" feeling. But it is like showing the sun the moon or something very important. Like I am honoring him by making him come. Like I am honoring her by showing her I can make him come.

NPR Yankee

Interview highlighting my old stomping ground! Reactions to story in real time.

http://www.npr.org/2013/01/25/170299272/in-arizona-some-retirees-caught-in-never-ending-battle-with-invasive-species

Good for you Gary! Software development does crazy things to folks!

"Good intentions gone bad" ....hahaha

I picture the man (you KNOW it was a man) from the BLM, boots on the table, cigarette in hand, Home Simpson *Dope!* 

"Sisyphean"??? Shit man, who are you?! You can't talk like that unless you live here! Then it's OK to think that. Maybe. If I like you. Ok? -_-

Sisyphean [ˌsɪsɪˈfiːən]

adj

1. (Myth & Legend / Classical Myth & Legend) relating to Sisyphus

2. actually or seemingly endless and futile

Hey, John! My man!!! Go John Scheuring oh yeah, oh yeah! Blast from the past homie, how've you been?!

OK, "gravel scar" that's fair.

Ocotillo ain't a tree yeh Yankee.  -_- 

"Not this time, but I admire the dedication." Damn Yankee can't even pick up a pick for a pic or a radio story?! -_-

John, where's our shout out? I speak on behalf of us harness wearing, crazy cliff rappelling interns with a plastic tub of herbicide strapped on our backs for you, mannnn...

Period earrings

My friend Jenna went to Nicaragua last spring to help build a school made of trash. Specifically, plastic bottles. When Jenna came back I picked her up from the airport and intended to let her detox as long as she needed. Unfortunately and fortunately, I had a trip scheduled to Chicago with my girlfriend Hannah. Jenna ended up going home on the bus, something she is perfectly capable of but I didn't like anyway. I sort of imagined her weak state, nicotine cravings, too much world experience in too little time while travelling, and a bus full of Mexicans with chickens. I expect this was not the case and that I was remembering my time spent on the bus.

During the short time she was with me, we went to a Taco Cabana and Jenna had trouble not ordering everything in Spanish. She then refused to talk to me or my neighbors in Spanish. Instead she allowed me say things like "Journey is a good dog. Bueno and grande, comprehendo?" while they pet my dog. Jenna also sat with me at my dining room table, which at the time had been converted to an all out craft making, jewelry experimenting, mess fest. Jenna made herself period earrings. They were to be worn, guess when? It was to be a subtle notification to those around her smart enough to catch on to the fact that she was wearing earrings of stick figures with a red bead directly under the crotch.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Last time I saw Jenna, almost a year after this, she was wearing her period earrings. Her hair had grown long and demeanor had become disturbingly scattered. Consumed with new love of a boyfriend that was actually of substance in her life rather than a carbohydrate. Jenna is a Pisces. Not only do I strongly believe in Astrological signs but I have never actually known someone quite like Jenna. Somehow, within her cloud of new love, blushes, secret glances and giggles she had another thing brewing...

It's not a Lifetime movie or a reality show about confrontation. It's alcoholism as portrayed in the behavior of Jenna. Which unfortunately can be very endearing and beautiful. Jenna can speak your conscious. Other people might know what you are thinking because of knowing you well and being around you long enough. Jenna can access things within people around her that are left untouched by others. It's what her magic is. It's what makes people everywhere follow her, seek her, love her, and ultimately....take care of her, excuse her, enable her.

Some images stay with a person, especially when all the words, party chatter, drunken laughs all completely unmemorable. But Jenna in her purple parka with the hood shrouding her face, brooding, smoking her cigarette and speaking nonsense very quietly, almost silently.... The other party members in their groupings laughing, trying to act like they had something else other to talk about when in reality, all they have been discussing the past hour is Drunk-Jenna-Antics. The girls rolling their eyes, the boys in their wide eyes amazement of the enigma that is this woman. This woman they have to deduce to a stereotype drunk party girl because the mystery of what she really is remains unreachable.

And that is Jenna. A woman you can't help but try to reach, to grab and keep forever, that is completely and wholly the most unobtainable person you'll probably ever know.

I sit in the hot tub, stealing sideways glances, refusing to coddle her, a vow I made myself after years of our friendship separation. This woman who made me cry as I hiked the Greenbelt alone, without her, after she blew me off for a customarily inexplicable "reason" after I drove my gas guzzling V8 from Dallas to Austin to behold some of her beauty and allow her to speak to me, without being aware and without intention, and coax away the loneliness I store up living and working here in the Big City.

A puppy just born unable to see, trying to learn and discover the surrounding world. This is Jenna beyond drunk at 3am refusing to come to consciousness, my efforts changing from sweet and concerned to frustrated and angry. "You bitch!" I say to her. I unzip my knee high boot, feeling like a clever asshole. 1st boot in the face with no reaction. "You BITCH!" The second boot better get you and dammit if it doesn't and I am leaving my favorite coffee cup here AND my boots I am driving back to Dallas cursing you for my frozen feet because this is NOT OKAY!

Some frustrating and hilarious moments later, I hand her off to the lover, "Special Delivery" I say. And I could see it right then, his face, his anger, his frustration, his beating heart for her.

Yep, this isn't just another man and it's not just any other night. This is our beating hearts stumbling in her tight Levi's across the wooden floor, her Period earrings left in the house across the street next to my coffee cup and boots.

She eyes me like a Pisces when I am weak
I've been locked inside your Heart Shaped box for weeks
I've been drawn into your magnet tar pit trap
I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn black

Hey!
Wait!
I've got a new complaint
Forever in debt to your priceless advice

Coffee and Pancake Butt

This is the new me.
Coffee and Pancake Butt.

The grind. The ratrace. The beginning of the end. Surrounded by 3 walls 5 ft high. My new lover, Hewlett Packard.

The recording of my random streams of consciousness begins again.

A blurb I liked on an article about OSX updates to Snow Leopord.

MagnusVonMagnum

21 months ago

Oh boy. The biggest features of this release is that it gets you ready to upgrade to another version of the operating system. What does it do? Install docking clamps to the warp drive, power up the transporter and set phasers to stun? :D

Enjoy it folks. There will be no more updates to Snow Leopard except for security updates. This will be the last version of OSX period for some. I certainly see no pending reason to upgrade (at least until software I use/need requires it). Most of the new Lion features are pointless at best (namely all the iOS ones; my desktop is not a giant iPad and shouldn't be treated as one). http://www.macrumors.com/2011/06/23/apple-releases-mac-os-x-10-6-8/

 

 

 

In other Mac readings, this guy, http://www.dremeljunkie.com/2013/01/imac-g4-ivy-bridge-hackintosh-finishing.html is a genius and should be revered and paid lots of money. Good luck, guy, good luck.

 

 

________________________________________________

 

I don't think Sandy Hook is a hoax. I think it makes sense for some people to investigate certain oddities of the incident.

 

What I will say is it seems to have been gathering steam, and conveniently this morning the news is throwing every other hoax story at us to distract from the Sandy Hook one.

 

Some football player and his girlfriend, etc....No one cares about that. But go ahead, talk it to death, distract us. After all, Distraction becomes more and more of a relevant cultural aspect of this county everyday.

 

__________________________________________________

 

 

Barfday 28

There is too much to cover since last I bloggered. So I will just do my usual free flow and see what comes out. Cheryl, Mike's wife, is back, at least for now, comma comma, and it's been interesting to say the least. I love her though and am sooo happy to enjoy her company again. We went to the 4th avenue street fair today and walked around in the sun and heat for a while. I got a sexy black tank top, a pair of brown cute slipper shoes, and high heels that I intend to spray paint silver for the wedding, all for under $12. I love Goodwill!

My horoscope is always telling me I need to keep physically busy to stay happy but it's hard sometimes when alls you want to do is veg out. But I notice it is true for me. Going from one side of town to the other running errands, library, Somalii family, gym, New Agey seminar, downtown for drinks and then the day is gone before I even had time to check the time.

I had an interview at Whole Foods the other day and it was a story in and of itself but anyway needless to say I didn't get the job. Surprising though they kept calling me telling me how wonderful of an interviewee I was (which is hilarious once you know the backstory) but whatever. From now on in interviews I am not going to sleep the night before, have a bunch of other stuff planned, and go in unprepared and delerious because it's been working out for me in a way. Leave less time to get nervvvvous. Guess that's how I've been able to start hanging around Zach lately too. Anyway, they want me to come an interview for a different position tomorrow. That would just be cruel to have me come back and stillll not hire me so...I best to be collecting some dollars soon.

I am going to try (key word: try) not to make a big thing about Zach and not talk about it too much because it's totally brand new. Plus, he is what I am going to call a Gentleman Player. Wait, that sounds like he plays gentlemen. Gentleman Lady-Player? That'll have to do. Anyway, last night was so...eventful... and I just want to go see him again but I gotta play my cards right. Basically I need some other sidedishes simmering on my stovetop.

So for my birthday I rounded up a couple of my favorite folks plus a new addition, namely Elliott. He's Janka's object of affection but um...yeah, the whole thing is funny and cute and immature and like something out of a quirky independent film. I will say, to his credit, there are very few times it is appropriate to slap a girls ass, and he executed it well. It's fun to go out and Nich is an amazing pilot and captain of the ship for our adventures but also everywhere we go people assume we are a couple. Our behavior probably contributes to this haha but whatever I want to have FUN! Janka was really fun too. It was a pretty awesome Bday. It was cool too because I was missing Peter, an old buddy of Nich and I, and he texted me saying he wants to visit. He lives in CO now. He would've been such a perfect addition to our night. Nich and I are talking about trying to visit him sometime this summer and even though it's a while away I'm excited and I hope we can make it happen.

Last night Mike, Cheryl, and I went to see Tangled.. It had all these amazing reviews. Sure it was good. Like mediocore popcorn but... it didn't come close to Despicable Me. I am a cheesball for "kids" movies.

I went to the Salon and my hair was absolutely drop dead gorgeous for like...3 hours..and I was out in the sun (hello, AZ, impossible to not be in the sun) and now I have a head of orange hair. ORANGE!!! Not Good. ALSO, I have a wedding to go to next weekend. I abhor show shopping, especially dress shoes. Society and ad's are all like "women just love their shoes!" and I'm like hell to the no who you be talking about! A shoe is a damn shoe what am I missing here?! I belabored myself to smithereens the other night walking around in pretty shoes. Forget that hogwash. Would you trade out your car tires for diamond studded stilettos?! No, it's not practical. Neither is putting my foot in some torture device begging for a twisted ankle.

FYE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bqxnm6t3QMw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uz2G7hh9jyc


Nich and I sobering up on the hood of my car

 

new lipstick, picture doesn't do it justice! it's RED!

Cops and Carrots

Who is useless? That's right- it's ME!

If I don't get a job soon I am going to empty the garbage underneath the bed and crawl under it and start digging a tunnel to China.

Being unemployed for this long is like walking around the neighborhood, leash in hand, with no dog attached at the end.

I try and stay busy as I can. I've started with the Somali family which definitely has its ups and downs. Currently I am extreeeeeemly frustrated (not with them). I can't teach unless there is a goal, unless I can explain what the fucking lesson is, and what I want them to do. If I can't tell them what I am trying to teach them I come off as a bumbling idiot and they get confused. And them getting confused makes them frustrated because they want to understand. What they need are formal classes. They need more than I can give, and that is why I am frustrated. Not to mention spending time in bookstores lately looking for educational books that don't have a bunch of chubby white people in there learning words associated with American culture that the Somalii's won't even come close to understanding yet until they know more about the country. What they need is fucking PBS yo but apparently something about TVs don't work anymore because you need a digital converter or some nonsense.

I didn't go to the Ironwood last Wednesday b/c of this lame ass mock disaster drill at the airport here. It could've been really awesome and a great learning experience but the public safety folks (firefighters, EMTs, police, hazmat, etc.) didn't take it seriously AT ALL and it was a waste of time and taxpayers money. It really ticked us students (who played the victims) off because we thought it was going to be a real scenario (which is was set up to be) but one fat lady cop came over to an unconscious guy (20 minutes after the incident) and said "Hey, so, like, are you supposed to be dead?" ...and he didn't  respond (hello, he's unconscious!) and she says to her partner "Hey this one is dead so I guess that's less work for us." WHAT a JOKE! I sort of wanted to if that bitch knew anything about weapons retention or anything police oriented at all but I didn't want to get it trouble. Oh the satisfaction if I'd been able to take her sidearm out of her holster though.

Tangent: Police. I've never been intimidated by them. I don't know why that is. Maybe my parents didn't teach me a lot about fearing authority but I always used to argue with them which embarassed my mother but entertained my father. I remember we tried to bike into an air show in the early 90s and the cops wouldn't let us go past the fence. So then we started to lock our bikes to the fence and they told us we couldn't do that. So then we asked where we could and they didn't know. (Keep in mind this is at an airfield so the nearest trees, poles, etc. were pretty far away) so then I asked them what they would do (I was genuinely curious) if we went ahead and rode our bikes in anyway, past them. It wasn't all obnoxious "oh yeah well what are you going to do about it?" at least not in my mind. I just wanted to know. I just never understood why people revere/fear cops so much. ANYWAY, they told us they would catch us. This is what makes the whole thing memorable to my kid brain. I was thinking how were they going to catch us if we were on bicycles and they were on foot. They must have seen the thought because they pointed behind them to a nearby hanger and there were 2 police bicycles there leaned against the siding. I thought it was so funny I started having one of those hysterical freakish kid laughing attacks. The police did not find it funny. My Dad, at this point, is making one of his jokes no one gets "Ohhhh, OK, so that's where the bikes are kept. Well, c'mon kid let's roll over there and put the bikes away." At some point in the course of this, they informed us that they were going to have to escort us out and not allow us to watch the Air Show. This has stuck with me. I was 8 years old. ReaLLy?

Anyway, I hate seeing lazy cops. Nothing makes me angrier than a cop who lacks self respect and integrity. Last night, at Barrio Viejo festival I noticed a pair, the woman was fit and observant, the man was AT LEAST 100 lb's overweight/obese. Sorry but if you're plan for apprehension is "to sit on a fool" you must realize you have to in fact catch that fool first. I was at the Festival alone so I was in my entertain myself mode which involves a lot of people watching. For a while last night it was cop watching. It was comical. Hey, here is a recipe for a real disaster, a large number of people and a fat cop with his hands on his hips oblivious to anything but watching small children eating ice cream cones. My entertainment came in the form of as walking past the cops, pointing out to Fatty that his keepers were unsnapped and when he looked down I said "HA! Made you look!" It was priceless. I didn't stick around for the negative reaction to come across his face, just long enough for that initial dumbfounded look.

Tangent over. _   _   _   _   _

I did go on a really enjoyable hike last Sunday up to some waterfalls. I packed a picnic lunch to eat when I got there. I offered a cutie named Ethan one of my carrots but he declined. Who hikes that far and declines a carrot is what I want to know?! Anyway, he went on top of the falls and I took a couple pictures of him and told him I would email him. He sort of implied it'd be cool if I hiked back down with him but I was like no thanks which I think he took to mean no thanks not with you. Which is unfortunate because really I just don't like hiking with strangers all that much AND I was waiting to be the last one to leave for 2 reasons: I wanted to sing on the way down, and I wanted it to be in the sunset. I got my wish and it was SOOOO worth it. I saw this hawk riding a thermal and he was just suspended motionless at one point not moving forward or backward, up or down, just about the mountain line. It was so cool looking. The saguaros and cacti are mostly washed out with an abundance of sunlight during the day but at sunset color bursts through the plants like a glow, and it's beautiful. The wildlife comes out...coyotes, javelinas, birds, bats, deer.

What can one say when one's boyfriend starts dating another woman. Oh fuck. There I go calling him my boyfriend again. I swear! Could I make it all go away by undergoing hypnosis?

Today I hiked up Picacho Peak yo and it was super fun. Lots of cables and weird positioning to get up there. OH YEAH and what the hell is up with people declining a carrot?! This is the second time it's happened. Am I the only one that finds carrots extremely comforting on a hike?!

I have been texting this guy Zach, trying to figure out if I like him or not. It's hard to tell. I think I should take a risk and invest myself a little..possibly next weekend? I thought he might come meet me at the Barrio last night but he had just rode his bike 50 miles (that's right) up Mt. Lemmon b/c he is training for an upcoming trip. Apparently today he ran this crazy race. He exhausts me just hearing about it.

I have a huge test on Tuesday. Tomorrow is Monday. Guess that means I should start studying?! ;)

Today's photo on top of Picacho Pk

Little Bee

If you haven't read it, you should. I have to mail the book back to the lady who leant it to me in Cali so I looked through the pages to see the quotes I dog-eared.

"In your country, if you are not scared enough already, you can go to watch a horror film. Afterward you can go out of the cinema and into the night and for a little while there is horror in everything. Perhaps there are murderers lying in wait for you at home. You can think this because there is a light on in your house that you are certain you did not leave on. And when you remove your makeup in the mirror last thing, you see a strange look in your own eyes. It is not you. For one hour you are haunted, and you do not trust anybody, and then the feeling fades away. Horror in your country is something you take a dose of to remind yourself you are not suffering from it."
 -Little Bee by Chris Cleave

____________________________________________________________________

Anyway, life has been rough. Spring Break flu, so I lied around feeling sorry for myself for days on end. Then now that I am better there still is absolutely nothing to do. I applied for a bunch of jobs, talked to people, had pathetic results leaving me feel even more irrelevant and useless.

My massage class was nice as usual. Mike taught me how to change my own brakes. That was really super awesome and fun. I'll never pay for someone to do my brakes again!

_______________________________________________________________________
I went to hear a Tibetan monk and that was a pleasant reminder of some very basic epitaphs for living a better life. I have been texting a man from the internet and I figured I might as well meet him even though I'm really exhausted from that whole game right now. I guess the lonlieness outweighs my anxiety and disdain for online dating. Luckily Mike and Janka came to the bar with me and helped ease my nervousness. Janka talked about aliens and it made me very happy. She was utterly serious.

I think it's possible I miss Wes more than I allow myself to realize sometimes. And then in moments of weakness the thought of us is overwhelming. I can't get all the details out of my head. How he would react, what he would say, how he moves, his laugh, his smell, his general disposition which I'm realizing more and more as I meet other people just how similar it is to mine. I feel like I don't belong, don't fit in anywhere. Friends are impossible to make, avenues for making friends even harder to find. I wish I could fall into another guy. It used to seem so easy. I never had any trouble before. I went from Seth to Dustin to Wes and I was in love for some amount of time with each. Especially Dustin. I hate admitting it but it was true. We had an intensity that can only come from youth. I wish I could meet someone like him right now, someone that could captivate me like that. Of course much of us was not really love per se. And then Wes has fucked me up something considerable. I'm so jaded. I was like in a waiting room sitting there waiting the whole time I was with him and now that we are supposedly broken up I don't feel much different. I still feel like I'm waiting on him somehow.

Ugh, word vomit. It just happens sometimes. I don't know. I just wish I felt like something was happening. The whole world is spinning and everyone is moving around moving forward and I am aimless and bored and disappointed in what my life is.

____________________________________________________________

From what I gather of the talk, one part of Bon philosophy says to incorporate the poisonous things and ingest them. Do not separate yourself from that which troubles you. A person cannot segregate their experiences. We take in the bad, but mix it with good so as so counteract the energy of the negative, therefore diluting it. Like if herb A is toxic but B and so forth are good. Mix A with it and it will counterbalance the toxicity. I feel like I've always lived that way though. I've always been in touch with myself and my feelings even when they are shit I've always known that they are an integral part of me. I guess I just thought like Good Times Are Coming. One day it wouldn't be so hard, one day I would find my fit somehow. With a job or a community or a family. Something.

___________________________________________________________

Spring Broke

I swear some of the weirdest stuff happens in this house! No further comment.
_______________________________________________________________

ANYway, so I LOVE my massage class. It's really informal and quaint. I was nervous when I first started because I wasn't going with a partner but it ended being cool. I was assigned, and since have always been with, a man named Mark who is very kind and a great massager. Masseuse?

Mark is older, I'm not sure how old but let's just say, um, older. Anyway, he has a very warm energy and always gives me extra special treatment. He's not creepy either. He is distinctly not creepy. Yet I can sense his attraction to me. I won't lie and say I haven't subtly encouraged it. I mean it's fun you know. Whatever. Anyway he kissed me twice last night. On the cheek! It was very sweet and made sense in the moment. He wouldn't do anything inappropriate or anything.

Point is, I've been advised to consider, just consider, actually going out with him and exploring the possibilites of being with an actual, non creepy, sweet, respectful, chivalrous man. I'm not interested in making any decisions on it anytime soon. But I did enjoy being kissed on the cheek :)

____________________________________________________________

I finally went to the doctor today. It. Was. Awesome!
I go so long w/o insurance or doctors. This was badass! She seemed very attentive. She looked like that Felicity woman. Anyway, I'm excited to get to go back and get my ladies health done. There ain't no telling. I could have a lemon tree growing up there for all I know as long as it's been since I've been seen. Being in possession of a vagina is like owning a miniature cave. I mean it's not like I can really go up in there. So, I don't know what's going on. I like to think it's like a party up there. I also like to think of my vagina as being top shelf quality. I want all the party goers to be satisfied.

_____________________________________________________________

It's Spring Break. I'm a little disappointed that I have negative money, owe the IRS, have no job prospects, no boy toy, my car brakes are failing, I have no plans, I can't afford plans, and I have nothing to do except lounge in the sun and exercise. This was all well and good when I was in dire need of a respite and good theraputic time. But no, I just feel like a BUM! And I miss my puppy dog. I even miss Wes. I wish Seth could've come to visit but his Spring Break was a week offset from mine. Lame!

Maybe I will finish my Yellowstone scrapbook. That sounds so sad to me. Here I am, all ready to be social and fun, and I don't got no peoples. Where the fuck is be my peoples?! Ima put an ad out.

Desperately Seeking Peoples:

Must be open minded, tolerant of others, positive attitude overall but able to embrace the ebb and flow of life's complications.

Must enjoy music, mountains, adventures.

Pluses are enjoying doing activites like bike rides, hikes, movies, etc.

If children are had, must have a good attitude and be raising them to be healthy, well rounded creatures of the future. Must have a distinct personality separate from just being a mommy. You're still an individual, lest you need to be reminded I can do that. If you can't bob yo neck to some Warren G you got some issues and need not apply.

If children are not had, must still smile and make faces at babies.

The End.

__________________________________________________________

I'm thinking...

I have not felt like this blog the past little while because I didn't know where to start. I wish I could just vomit out my experience at the Hospital doing clinicals the other day. I just wish to upchuck the whole thing and be done with it. Instead I had to emotionally digest it, and it was a bitch! Alls I will say about it is that I tip my hat to everyone working in the medical field.

This guy Dan is a major douchebag, by the way, also, and so forth. It wouldn't be as bad if he wasn't so clueless. I've decided that is the worst part. Is that I can't get justice on his arrogant bastard soul because he's so clueless he's impenetrable.

There's more fishes in the sea though right? Apparently all the ones I like are almost 40 though! Holy cow batman! We'll see. I'm not going to lie, it's not their age that bothers me. It's me being intimidated by comparison. And before you think "But you're awesome Rayna!" yeah yeah, BUT these guys, the ones I like, they sell themselves like being UBER AWESOME.

Yeah, it's true, it's from profiles from a dating website. So, corn and cheese as it may be, it's 2011 fools and when you want to sweep you need a broom! The internet it supposedly where it's at yo. I mean, seriously, after the creeps I have had, can it really get much worse?!

Anyway, today I mailed my grandmothers some crystal hangies that I fashioned. Mike made me this cool  purple amethyst necklace. I found out I officially owe the IRS over 800 bucks in back taxes, ohhh yeah.

It's ups and downs lately. I could use a boost. I'm thinking..orgasm?...hmm maybe just a job. I'd take that. I called the manager at Whole Foods and tried not to sound too desperate.

I need another outlet. Another mode of expression. I got my glow lights and am enjoying them but something is missing. I'm thinking...orgasm?... just kidding.

Oh Yoko

"what's a mind? 
no matter.
what's matter?
nevermind!"
-Golden Wade, an old friend :)








I had an absolutely crappy day but somehow right as I was about to feel sorry for myself Tasha started chatting with me and rather than mourn over my pint of ice cream we reminisced. *Smile


Also, award shows make me uncomfortable. They are so awkward. I'm sorry but Nicole Kidman is an over Botoxed scary Stepford wife. Someone unplug her and recycle her with the rest of the antiquated first generation robots. Also, I love Natalie Portman but her emotionally charged, pregnancy induced weepy acceptance speech made me want to throw the remote at the TV. I do like Sandra Bullock though, she is graceful, classy, and funny. Also, I think the King's Speech and The Social Network were the only movies on there that I actually saw. I like Colin Firth's humor. I happened to catch him on the other award show a few months ago where people were trying to be funny. He was funny then too. I like it when people actually articulate their thoughts even when it's hard. you go awkward Englishman!




----Flip!----
*Carpooling is nice, sweet gas relief, if she ends up talking to me about Jesus than that is A-OK with me!
*Oh Yoko, Ohhh Yoko by the Beatles is so pleasant! Ohhh Yoko
*I am so broke! I've applied to a few places. I am holding out for Whole Foods hoping they take me in, just a poor little college educated girl from the streets.
*my boobs are shrinking. It's true, I guess that goes along with fitness. But I liked them, they were the perfect size. It's OK though, so as long as my ass stays shrinking too! :)
*This is fluff but for reals I made an awesome sandwhich today. It had leftover chicken, provolone, lettuce/tomato, and guacamole! YUMMMMM
*I am so happy (except when I am not) but I want to share time with my peoples. I miss you guys. Tears :(
*Yeah, embarassing. I totally forgot to cash out my tab the other night at Sky Bar (alcoholic! LOL) and had to do the call of shame. 


XXXXXXXXcrossed fingersXXXXXXXXXXXX
I gotta gotta gotta get a PT job. Pleazzzzzz hire me! I am so awesome! Plezzzz!

It don't mean a Thing if it ain't got that Swing

Yikes, I have mad crazy restless energy now. It's probably a combination of things. Wow, I typed complication instead of combination. I think this implies something too esoteric for me to analyze but probably accurate to my state of mind and this drama life I've been leading recently. It's becoming too much for me to even recall on here. Plus, the ravings of my mind apparently confuse people. Well, people that don't know me, maybe those that do just come to expect it. Either way, the point of this week is that everyone, I mean everyone, is fucked up. I find it comforting because I used to think I was so fucked up, I could never fit in, but that's not true because everyone, as I said....

I am currently operating under the assumption that Dan is either has a twin, an evil one, or that he is bipolar, or that he is totally mind fucking me for his own entertainment. Knowing him is like riding that roller coaster at Disney, Space Mountain, where it's completely dark. The highs are sudden and awesome, the lows are sharp, unpredictable and on both accounts you can't see what is ahead.

My living situation is also a little weird right now. It's not a bad weird necessarily. I just feel helpless sometimes and like I might be in the middle of things I don't, or can't understand. I also sometimes wonder if I am an imposition which is something that frightens me in all my relationship situations. I just know that feeling that I have when someone is taking advantage of my kindness or patience and I don't want to do that to anyone else.

Seth is my best bud, even though I am beyond furious with him right now. I am so angry with him I have vowed, as I have many times before, to give him the silent treatment for an extended period of time.

I went out drinking 2 nights in a row, the first one definitely being the most eventful even though the 2nd was pretty cool because I got to dirty dance with Nich and his boyfriend came this time and seemed like a much cooler person that I recall him being. It was funny, we were doing some silly stuff on the dance floor, but at one point someone stole my red leather jacket that had my stuff in the pockets and I switched on what Nich refers to as my "Cop mode" and I thought I was about to have to pull a bitches earring out in the very least. I searched that place up and down. I was eyeing everyone suspiciously. I secretly hoped someone had the audacity to be holding my jacket. Fortunately (or not, lol) somebody handed it over to Security and the night was salvaged. I love my Nich, it took someone else pointing out what a good friend he is, for me to remember that even though he frustrates me a lot (flaky hippies!) he really IS a great friend.

At Sky Bar, this man was telling me all about his ideas on playing pool. I thought at first he was trying to pick me up, but then I realized he was just a floater, just as funny/awkward and unconcerned with others opinions of himself as I was attempting to be.

Another thing I like about being in Tucson is there is so much "airy-ness" with a range of New Age platitudes, and sayings, that people seem to say really funny stuff sometimes. There is definitely a "new age scene" sure, but aside from that even the general populace I run into seems pretty open minded and interesting. I always describe myself with a foot firmly planted in both worlds. I like some reality mixed in with my trippy shit, and vice versa. Maybe it's just where my brain is right now. Anyway, the man was pretty funny and made sitting in that bar waiting for Nich's late punk ass to get there not so bad.

I missed my Poi class today, due to a scare lack of funding. Maybe I should just buy a DVD and be self taught....I don't know, I really like the social aspect of the class. I am serious about getting back into it. I'm pretty GD frustrated with Seth over his assessment of my life/financial situation right now, as if he has business to talk. I cut back MANY aspects of what I would prefer to be spending money on so that I am able to do some things and improve my quality of life. For instance, I rarely if ever pick up a bite to eat anywhere. I made my own food, pack lunches and snacks. I don't shop, except at Goodwill on a sale day once every couple months. If I go to the movies it's only on Dollar Day. And I busted my ass applying for some jobs that I got totally the cold shoulder on. That being said I am beyond broke and need to recommit myself to getting a shitty job, especially now that the IRS wants me to pay $800 for 2009 when my wages were below poverty level. Yeah, that makes sense to me???!!

Mike is having a Wellness Weekend so the house is abuzz right now and I have carved out my private little corner. I spent 2 hours studying this morning at Epic Cafe. Yeah, and I am such a big spender, I felt like I should get something so I got a 80 cent coffee. (Insert mal ojo at Seth here)
Studying is hard to do hungover but I still feel like I learned something. The overall theme of this section is: GETTING OLD SUCKS. I'm going to just plan on clocking out before I become Geriatric cause WoW. My poor grandparents, I understand what is going on in their bodies a lot more now. Gee whiz..

My eyeballs hurt but I gotta study, and apply for a job. What'll it be today? I'm thinking maybe Starbucks, there seems to be a lot of those, and supposedly that don't pay all that bad. Evil Corp here I come!

High/Low lights

This week has been madness, chaos, miscommunication, and nauseating!

I am not even going to go into the bad parts, so I highlight the good. Today while doing my weekly volunteer with the BLM I ran into an old semi-buddy, one of the Rangers who I used to have a raging crush on. I actually asked him out when I first got back to Tucson and he declined. And by declined I mean, was unresponsive. So whatever. I am so over it. You turn ME down? Estupido! What is it, as soon as I am no longer interested now he might be? Either that or he feigns it for his own entertainment. Crazy mofo. Whatever, I am glad I got to run into him, if for nothing else he gets to see what he'll be missing out on.

Also, I went to my first Sweedish massage class which was very very interesting. It's good though, I mean, I've never spent that much time kneading a strangers gluteus before but I'm down for the education. After all, he then had to give my gluteus some attention. In my FIRM opinion, pun intended, everyone's gluteus could use some more attention!

I haven't studied AT ALL and I have a big test on Tuesday. To be fair, I have had my textbook lying open on the bed for days, only just a few inches from my head. So if it's possible that osmosis exists I might actually know at least something, prolly not tho.

The Dan issue was driving me into being a pathetic, sad woman again and I had to bust that shit up because I no longer accept that form of weakness in myself. I called and confronted him, learning that when he called me it was to invite me along but somehow I didn't give him the chance to and he felt awkward. Lame excuse but alright sure. I don't even care, I'm over it. I told him my thoughts and he seemed receptive enough, albeit super weird. Why do I go for such weirdo's?! Anyway, apparently then I fucked up. He asked me over and I told him I couldn't come. There was no good reason, I just wanted about to bounce on his beacon call like that. He texted me to come over, that he needs me to. And I ignored the text completely. Whatever, I already said I couldn't that night so why repeat myself?

Anyway, I just got off the phone with him, a day later, and it was totally bazaar. He actually started out the conversation calling me an asshole. No joke. I'm an asshole apparently for having ignored his text. Whoa. He gets to blow me off on Sunday, not contact me since then, practically ignore my texts, and I'M the ass? Yeah, I told him basically 1. I'm sorry, I don't know you that well and I didn't realize how important it was to you. 2. You aren't exactly sending me positive messages about liking me when you call me an asshole 3. (most important point) you don't want to start an argument with me because you do not know who and what you will be getting into.

Sometimes, things with Dan can be so intense I feel like we're already in a relationship. This is absolutely not cool. I'm looking for fun, meaningful fun, light hearted, happy times. Fool need to check himself 'for he wreck hisself. I'ma have to lay it down on him before this goes any further which, at this point, I will not allow. We need to reach some sort of mutual understanding. He better not be expecting no Kool Aid cause that just got went out the window for a while soon as he thought he could come to me so soon with calling me an asshole. I don't think he was in full possession of his brain at that moment.

Anyway, I wanted to go to Sky Bar with Janka tomorrow and then maybe hookah or dancing but Dan wants to go to Phoenix for a massage class. It might be fun. I don't know exactly. I'd rather not go but I'm open to it since it seems like a big deal to him. We'll see.

The point is, nothing goes ideally in this world. Nothing. So you take the good where you can find it and don't expect too much. Seth delighted me by giving me a drunk dial the other night in which he recounted his entire day and his night at the bar where he had fallen in love with his bartender. I understood about 1 out of every 5 words he said.

And I went rollerblading today which is always good. By far and wide the best fuckin news of the week is I got some glow poi! I am so elated over this development! I gots my glow poi! I gots my glow poi!

Well, I just had my first Sweedish massage class and it went well. My partner, Mark, was a nice man and not gross which was good. Cause you never know when you are about to rub down a naked stranger how that's going to go. But it was good. He gave me a good massage also.

I finally broke down and called Dan